I made this account as an alt because I'm deeply ashamed of the feelings and biases that could be considered reactionary. I know they're stemming from living in a country that subscribes to the delusion of white supremacy, and other views that ultimately support capitalism, but I want to take responsibility for the work I have to do.
To give some context to the post title, I don't think I'm virulently racist. I'm nonwhite, and I'm trying to address internalized racism and beliefs around white supremacy. I've read about and believe systemic racism is a thing, so I don't think it's a matter of me being convinced. I believe these are shitty and wrong things to feel, and I've done my best to consciously counter it, but I want to be better.
I'm trying to use things like Google to find resources, but it's been so bad lately, and I don't want to sink energy and resources into something like White Fragility when that's not the kind of work I'm trying to do. Does that make sense?
I want to be better about self-crit, but I want to make sure I'm doing it the right way. Are there recommended books, resources, audiobooks, ways of approaching personal biases and maybe getting to the root of an issue around race? Is this just something that will click as I continue to actively confronting myself?
If there's a more appropriate place to have discussions like this, I'm okay with this post/account getting removed. I don't want to stir shit, and if this is a thing I need to work on with a therapist or on my own, I'm willing to continue doing that.
That's been a lot of my experience with confronting the things I internalized from a toxic environment. It takes time and attention, but eventually my subconscious falls in line with the changes I consciously try to make
My experience is going to be different from yours since I'm white, but one thing that really helped me focus was to hold on to the sense of responsibility but let go of the guilt. There are plenty of real effects from things we think and feel, and they're absolutely worth consciously directing, but if you'll excuse a flippant way of putting it: "thought crimes aren't real." You can't be a bad person based solely on what goes through your head, so there's no need to beat yourself up about it.
In fact, when you catch a thought pattern that you know needs to change, that's an incremental success on your part. It's not notable that you failed to avoid thinking that way when that's been the status quo, but it is notable that you caught it instead of letting it go unexamined and go on to structure more malformed thoughts.
The best resources I have on race so far are Fanon's Wretched of the Earth and the Black Myths Podcast. Wretched of the Earth unpacks the structure of white supremacist colonialism and how it pits subjects of colonialism (including within the core) against each other along various lines. The Black Myths Podcast discusses a wide range of topics from a black marxist perspective, centered around anti-black myths