Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I'm already obsessed. I haven't had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it's just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
Haha, I previously broke my mint install multiple times due to nvidia drivers... Now I just have timeshift backup to an internal hdd two times a day, just in case. I use Artix btw.