This is a long sincerepost about the end of friendships and the resulting loneliness. It won't offend me if you scroll by, I talk a lot when I'm upset and feeling wordy lmao.

There's a group of friends that I've had for years, and we used to hang out multiple times every week from 2012-2018. We partied, supported each other, went to the arcade, took day trips, played games, talked politics, and discussed lore for hours together. I even lived with a couple of them on separate occasions.

But my equally-involved partner unexpectedly dumped me for someone else after 7 years together at the end of 2018, and the emotional trauma and subsequent depression were too much for me to function properly. Since she was cheating on me, I thought they would have my back and tell her how uncool that was, but they just started inviting her new guy along instead, and that hurt really badly. I kinda lashed out in anger, and they told me that I was a bummer to hang out with now because they couldn't tell which "Me" they were going to get that day. It turns out that I had undiagnosed bipolar II and they were over dealing with me. So we went our separate ways.

About 6 months later, I reached back out to them and they invited me out. We talked for awhile, and I apologized for getting mean, and explained that I was hurt and not handling it well. They all told me how much they missed me, and that they'd love to see me more. For the second half of 2019, I saw them probably four more times. And it was fun! Not the same as it used to be, but we were still laughing, riffing on each other, sharing bowls, playing each other's music, and talking about the future.

Then within 3 weeks at the beginning of 2020, my mom died, I lost my job, the pandemic started, and I had to find a new place to live (I was living with my mom, then my stepdad sold the house). I fell into a DEEP depression and didn't see a single friend from March until New Years 2021. I went and hung out with those friends, and it was a great time after being secluded and jobless for 10 months. Meanwhile, I've been pretty public with my journey with fighting bipolar depression, and it felt good to hear in person that they could tell that I've been making progress, and that they were proud of me. For the next few months, I saw them probably another 6 times.

Eventually, I started a job where I work weekends and evenings. Because of this, I don't have the time or energy to see any friends. On top of that, my fight with my bipolar depression has been taking a turn for the worse since October. My current state of mind has me fooled into thinking everybody hates me, everybody merely tolerates me, and that I've been forgotten and abandoned by everyone. Despite this, I deeply need human connection.

In the fall, they threw a birthday party for my ex, which is normal for friends to do. I guess I still have unresolved subconscious feelings about her and our breakup, even though the 3 year anniversary of that event just passed. A couple weeks later, on one of my friends' birthdays, I stopped over and gave her a whole ounce of weed that I received as a gift while working. It was great seeing her, and I told her to get a hold of me when she wanted to hang. Then they had a Halloween party that I wasn't invited to, along with a Friendsgiving, a Christmas sweater party, and New Years.

But my birthday was yesterday, and the entire day slipped by without any calls or texts from them. It just kind of hurt. However, it solidified the notion that things were already over, we were just trying to salvage something that had already burned out. It wouldn't suck as badly if I really had anybody else to hang out with. But I just sleep in, get ready for work, come home, get drunk, and go to bed alone.

I guess I just need to continue working on my mental health, try to address what's triggering my depression and overreaction to negative events, and eventually I'll find some fulfilling relationships again.

If you've made it this far, thanks a lot for reading. I just needed to get this off my chest because the loneliness has been actively hurting for the past couple months, and I just needed someone to listen to me. I love you all, comrades. :heart-sickle: