Theres a lot to this, Ill try to be as concise as I can for some of the background info. I was in a many year relationship and was gaslit for the last few of them. it turned out she was using me to get away from the family she disliked and trying to find a better-off sugar daddy when she decided she didn't want to be with me anymore. she would regularly tell me I was being crazy and didn't see/hear the things I thought I did [like her conversations with the guys she was talking to] until the very end when her new boy toy showed up at our apartment to get her and her things.

as you may imagine, Ive had some... trust issues ever since. if that's all that was going on, I wouldn't be making this post however.

I slept around quite a bit after that [can you really blame me?] and eventually came to realize that I significantly prefer trans women over other partners. I can honestly say that trans women have shown me more kindness than any other group of people. I will never forget the girl who held my hand as it shook while I had a migraine, and stayed by my side until it was over. we werent even dating, we had just slept together a couple times, and she was still that good to me. I make a point of avidly supporting trans rights, listening to your views on any issue affecting you, and sincerely trying my best to support the community in any way I can. one of my closest friends is a trans woman who I slept with at a party and who liked me enough to want to stay in my life when we were both sober despite her not wanting to be long term romantic partners. the two of us have tried very hard to help one another quit drinking since then, as both of us struggled with self destructive behavior while drinking.

But something I hear again and again from the community is that its bad for a guy to prefer trans women. and since my feelings are sincere, the last thing I ever want to do is hurt someone with how I feel. of the few people I've ever told how I really feel, my friend is the only one to not tell me Im a "chaser" and imply it makes me a bad person. everything I read from the community online backs up that generally, people like me are considered bad. I listen when people I care about tell me things. so I stopped pursuing trans women as romantic partners and ended up with someone else. but I never stop thinking about it because my feelings do not change. its driven me to self harm on multiple occasions, and one day it might drive me to worse. and now with how much hate is being thrown at the trans community in my country, my heart is broken even more every day as I see people calling the women I feel so intensely like I should love "monsters" and "groomers". there is an anger inside me that I don't think will ever leave me for how I see the world treating people without whom I would certainly be dead.

If this ends up destroying me and I walk into the ocean with stones in my pockets, I hope that reincarnation exists and I come back as a woman, so that the thought of my love doesn't frighten the people it should have been for. this will be my only post and this account is a throwaway for obvious reasons. I have no strong desire to end my life at the moment so please do not worry about me, if youre someone extremely kind who reads this. I just know how bad it has gotten in the past, and what that means the future could hold. I couldn't keep this inside forever. if you got to the end of this, thank you for not just writing me off when you saw what it was about. im posting this here because i am a leftist and know this site is [correctly!] strongly in support of trans rights. so if people here hate me knowing everything... then I'll know I really am a bad person. goodbye, and Im sorry that I exist. sincerely.