This one is delightful, get ready. So, I know this gun nut who was telling me about a gun show he went to recently. He was having a nice chat with a vendor, when all of a sudden the vendor started telling him all about the information THEY don't want you to know. Are you ready? There are underground tunnels filled with . . . not mole children, but water! And they're arranged in a north-south and east-west grid all across the United States. What are these tunnels full of water for, you ask? They're for nuclear submarines! That's right, this man believes that as we speak, there are nuclear submarines running silent, running deep in the ground beneath our feet. What is the purpose of burying your nuclear submarines underground where they can't actually launch anything? I have no idea. But I love this theory and I'm sad I wasn't there for the conversation. I have so many questions. Do they have to get to the seashore to surface? I just love the idea of the president wanting to push the Destroy the World Button, when the top generals are like, "I'm sorry sir, but all our subs are in Kansas, Wyoming, and Iowa." Or does he think that every lake and river has an escape hatch that the submarine could just burst out of, like the worms in Tremors? All of a sudden, there's a bigass nuclear sub just going down the Colorado River. What's the draft of a sub of that size, anyway? How many of the nation's rivers would even be navigable? I have no idea, but I love it.

And then there's the grid to think about. Just zigzagging your way across the entire continent. Are the tunnels wide enough for two subs to pass? I'm also imagining the sub bursting forth into some lake and the captain saying, "I knew I should've turned left at Albuquerque." :bugs-stalin: