[CW: Really Bad Mental Health/Passing of Someone's Family Member]
"You’re so sweet Angel"
"This is so so beautiful thank you Angel 💚💚💚 Really really sweet thank you I appreciate you so much" (regarding a love poem I wrote for her)
"Im not nice to people that don’t deserve it" (me asking why she is so nice to me)
"I love you Angel 💚"
"You are the sweetest person ever"
"I don’t think I’ve met someone with so much love before. It’s beautiful"
"Thank you Angel 💚 I’m grateful for your existence and I’m grateful to know you as your authentic self"
"You make my heart warm 💚💚💚"
"I feel like I’ve never met someone and felt so understood about everything so quickly before 😆 it’s awesome"
"You’re amazing and valuable 💚"
"I appreciate you existing"
"You care about me so much 🥹"
"You might just love and care about me more than anyone else"
Is it because I've been hated basically my entire life (especially in the context of bigotry), so I have a hard time accepting this as genuine? I don't know. We recently had a minor fallout over something, but I catastrophized the whole thing. It seems like it's actually no big deal, and she wasn't as affected by it as much as I thought she was. I felt like a monster for it, but things are seemingly back to normal?
My feelings got so bad that I was contemplating "doing bad things to myself" because I thought I upset her, and since making her happy in turn makes me happy, doing the opposite will affect me adversely as well. She seems totally fine, appreciative, and happy today, though.
The last text I have listed made me cry tears last night because I was thinking to "do bad things to myself," and it got me pondering the reality of her being affected by that. She recently lost a family member and was distraught about that. I was comforting her through that a lot, and she felt like it was a burden on me for her to cry to me about it, but it was actually the opposite. When she struggles, I want her to tell me because I want to be there for her through all negative times, no matter what. I made this clear to her, and she was so appreciative.
If she lost a family member, and she tells me, "You might just love and care about me more than anyone else," how would she feel if I did do (the whole euphemistic phrase)? My mind can be so irrational when I feel that way to a point where I, in a sense, was convincing myself that it would make her happy and be a benefit to her for me to do (the whole euphemistic phrase).
I don't know. I'm just overly dramatic. We've been romantic for a bit over a month now, and this is our first real negative moment honestly, and it lasted one night. Now, things seem "normal," but I don't know if I can look at myself the same way.
I feel like a terrible person.
I'd talk to her about your feelings.
I've been with my partner for 3 years now, and there are many times where I thought I had upset her (accidentally) beyond redemption, and have hated myself for it. However, it takes a lot of trust and faith, and that comes with time. I don't upset easily myself, but she's also felt similar.
I love my partner dearly and would trade the world for her in a heartbeat. I know what it feels like, you share happiness and sadness. My advice is to be honest to a fault and express that. Communication is above all your most helpful tool.
You've got this, she sounds wonderful and I am happy you have someone like her. Take her on a date if you can and make her feel special.
[CW: Internalized Bigotry/Self-Hatred]
Thanks for the reassurance.
I will always strive to make her feel special! I got a cool example of one thing I did for her yesterday.
She plays guitar and writes songs, mostly about vegan activism. I recently wrote a bassline for one of her songs, as her music is usually just an acoustic guitar track and vocals. She was really impressed and appreciated it a ton, especially since she claims that she "does not know music theory."
I have a very negative mind and trouble forgiving myself for making mistakes, especially since I was treated as a demonic child by my family. However, if I think rationally, having one little mishap isn't going to undo all of the positive moments we've had. In fact, it's also rational for me to remember that these conflicting moments occur in every single relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Due to my sui thoughts and tendencies, I talked to a text hotline last night that has a special focus on marginalized and intersectional individuals. The agent told me, "You'd be more of a monster if you had zero remorse about feeling like you hurt someone else," and that hit me very hard.
This also plays into internalized bigotry. I've hated myself for all of my intersections for a long time, and that includes being neurodivergent. Sometimes, I feel really inferior for saying the wrong thing without realizing it because that's a common neurodivergent tendency, and I've hated myself for being neurodivergent alongside all of my other marginalized identities since I've been aware of who I am. Hell, during these times I questioned if I even deserved her because I'm black and trans, but she is white and cis. I was thinking, "I'm way too subhuman for her, so why does she care to have me?"
Basically, this all goes back to me having a long history of poor mental health and self-hatred, but it seems that she sees our love as something much greater.
Based as hell
Adorable, that's incredibly sweet of you!
This is something I think everyone struggles with, the rational part of the mind isn't the one in charge of our feelings of worth, or our mental well-being. It's often more chemically driven, stress and anxiety can magnify it massively. That's something I haven't gotten better at.
I haven't felt the same, but I do relate in other ways. I myself am white and cis, but I'm pan. I've always been pan, but I haven't allowed myself to call myself that, it always felt like stolen valor, compounded by growing up with queerphobic family that would call me "gay" (intentionally as a slur) for expressing the slightest gender nonconforming traits (fuck those
). Same with being neurodivergent, I have ADHD, and treating that as "valid" has always been something I have struggled with. That plays a ton into our perceptions of self-worth, and I very often feel like my partner deserves someone better. She also has felt that, though, for her struggles and self-perception. That's something that time and trust help ease.
(I dunno, that was a ramble, you should probably ignore my yapping)
That's wonderful to hear! I hope that in time you'll build up mutual trust and love, it sounds like you have the beginnings of a very healthy and lovely relationship!