Also doesn't work because of the pandemic, of course, but the one I mentioned in my title is a much more long-standing issue.

I can't help reading the worst possible interpretation into everything. When a conversation trails off and dies, it's because they can't stand talking to me. When they pause before responding to something I said, it's because I said something ridiculously stupid and they're trying to find a polite way to handle it. When they say nothing in response to a comment I make, it's because what I said is so asinine that it doesn't even deserve a response. When I ask about doing something outside of the meetup group and a plan never comes together, it's because they don't want to spend a single minute with me that they're not socially obligated to.

I watch what I say, my tone, my inflection. My gestures, my body language. I'm terrified I'll do something "wrong," or just something that gets misinterpreted, that causes me to be an object of public mockery. Or worse, private mockery that I never see or hear, but which turns the other people in the group against me. From that moment on, any time spent trying to form ties with anyone in the group is wasted, because I'll be nothing but an object of ridicule to them. Social interactions are nervewracking and exhausting. At the end of one, I don't even get the satisfaction of knowing I successfully navigated the event. After all, what if I didn't?

It takes me a lot of time before I get even decently comfortable around someone. I've had to move every 2 years or so because my jobs up until this point have been contract work. Now there's a pandemic, and there's no telling when it'll be over. Starting to feel at this point like I'm doomed to be alone in this world.