What if I just got better without having navigate healthcare? Like all I have to do is stop responding to my triggers. Should be easy.

Signed up for an OCD treatment program and then find out that they won't take my insurance. Maybe I can figure out something else on the call? Who knows how expensive this shit could be.

I suppose most people don't wake up with wounds. Just a burn it seems pretty clear what happened. Thus are the wages of drinking vodka.

Thank you all for your words. I am prolly not going to kill myself.

Folks I am on the verge of killing myself.

I know I'm feeling very bad because I'm listening to Modest Mouse. I'm pretty sure Isaac Brock is a piece of shit, but he's really good at expressing being sad. There was a period of my life where I sat at a laptop browsing 420chan and listening to good news for people who love bad news and it was one of the worst periods of my life. I don't really want to revisit that, but I kind of don't know who I am anymore? Like that was a guy. I also read a lot of pictures for sad people, which doesn't even exist anymore.

Modest mouse got me to read Bukowski, who is definitely an asshole. But I did get what he was saying. I don't know what else to say. Modest mouse is a decent band.

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She's in my top three saints for sure. I think Francis edges her out from the top, even though he was a little odd.

My B. It's gonna be a little bit before I upload the correct file. Check tomorrow.

Just to like, put it out there I guess. It seems super fucking obvious but I know firsthand how hard it is. You do need to not engage your triggers. There will be a lot of discomfort. It is going to suck. But I don't think there's any other way to deal with compulsive behaviors. They seem important because repetition makes your brain treat them as important.

What is to be done then? Well, we gotta just sit with that discomfort that happens when we deny a trigger. You don't actually need to do the behavior. I'll go first by making this paragraph an uncomfortable number of sentences for me.

Eventually, it won't be so bad.

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Sometimes I look at like a stair bannister and think about how much history of human development had to happen to get to that point. I have this preoccupation with early human history and the progression of our technology and industrial ability. And then it's like, yeah now all our cars look like shoes and your walls are made of sand amd that's just fucking not even considered.

I really love human beings. We've done so much incredible shit. Just thinking about what insane happenstance had to happen to give birth to us as a species and then that the world is such that it has enabled us to make ourselves insane with disconnection from being animals makes me feel very something.

I think mutual, separate masturbation is pretty common among young men actually.

That's where Aztlan keeps a dragon, prolly.

Lets say new births stopped in china and everyone under 20 is killed.
If your economy growth is 5 percent you are still golden

What a hypothetical

I think so? It's just an unassigned meeting area.

Up to 175 on my squat, which feels great. It does not feel great to be surrounded by 20-somethings who are lifting twice my weight every time I go to the gym. Just gotta remember that it's not about that. They've been at it longer than I have and they're younger. It has been nice to start noticing that my pants are falling down. Failed some of my bench press reps at 125, which is frustrating because I'm hungry to get the plates on there, but it's a process I guess. Think I gotta audit my diet to just see where I am and if I need more protein.

One thing I'm not sure is real or not is that my facial hair seems to be growing like crazy. I don't know if it's just getting older or if I've got more testosterone from the lifting. Like I'm feeling some other effects maybe that are in line with that. Mostly it's just annoying to shave more often. But if some hormonal decisiveness is helping with my executive dysfunction, that's pretty tight.

we used like nylon stretchy covers. We called them book condoms.

Finished Rose Chamber, by the way. I didn't plan very well, so it was a little tricky channeling it all out and getting the windows in, but it was great practice. Nothing too complicated, but I like how it turned out.

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