So writing this after I finished writing this out, this more just turned into a messy thoughtdump of general negative vibes ig, so like here it is
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Basically I just feel guilty and self conscious about eating sugar, I just spent like 15 minutes staring at the cereal box willing myself to eat it because I'm so hungry and just not eating it.

I kinda flick between thinking I'm like really hot and attractive and being incredibly vain and self obsessed to thinking I like horrible and awful and I feeling self conscious of everything I eat and the way people look at me. Idk I'm still boymoding but one of the things that helped me gain self confidence was posting thirst trap pics of me naked on the internet and like getting a following of several hundred chasers but I think now it makes me more self conscious than so idk if it's a net positive or not, idk I met a lot of trans people through it ig so maybe it's more good than bad.

Idk i think I also focus more on being online than I should because like irl I'm trapped with my bigoted transphobic dad and my family constantly points out if I'm eating a lot and like joke that I'll get fat and it just feels like the only people I can really vent to about it are trans people who come into my DMs either wanting to flirt with me or see my messily posting about how hard it is to stop myself from relapsing into drinking again and want to help.

Like I know I'm not fat and that I'm actually pretty attractive but I don't feel like it.