So writing this after I finished writing this out, this more just turned into a messy thoughtdump of general negative vibes ig, so like here it is
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Basically I just feel guilty and self conscious about eating sugar, I just spent like 15 minutes staring at the cereal box willing myself to eat it because I'm so hungry and just not eating it.
I kinda flick between thinking I'm like really hot and attractive and being incredibly vain and self obsessed to thinking I like horrible and awful and I feeling self conscious of everything I eat and the way people look at me. Idk I'm still boymoding but one of the things that helped me gain self confidence was posting thirst trap pics of me naked on the internet and like getting a following of several hundred chasers but I think now it makes me more self conscious than so idk if it's a net positive or not, idk I met a lot of trans people through it ig so maybe it's more good than bad.
Idk i think I also focus more on being online than I should because like irl I'm trapped with my bigoted transphobic dad and my family constantly points out if I'm eating a lot and like joke that I'll get fat and it just feels like the only people I can really vent to about it are trans people who come into my DMs either wanting to flirt with me or see my messily posting about how hard it is to stop myself from relapsing into drinking again and want to help.
Like I know I'm not fat and that I'm actually pretty attractive but I don't feel like it.
Relate to this on a deep level. The fat phobia was always around in our younger years and eventually it came to live within us. Once upon a time I thought I had to be thin to be feminine but it's so untrue (honestly putting on some weight to help 'redistribute' features helped a lot). Femmes and women exist in all shapes and forms and it's so violent that we have to second guess ourselves when we're hungry. Attractiveness shouldn't depend on your weight, it feels nice to be chased sometimes, but those that love you will care about more than just how many pounds you aren't 🌈 Wishing you distance from the people that try to put such evil thoughts in your head 💜