Have any queer vibes to share? Here's your place!
Talk about what’s happening queerly in your life - like coming out, getting HRT, questioning, and all that good stuff.
No cishets allowed!
Have any queer vibes to share? Here's your place!
Talk about what’s happening queerly in your life - like coming out, getting HRT, questioning, and all that good stuff.
No cishets allowed!
update on something i posted about a lot earlier this year (CW - surgery regret, suicide)
i posted a lot earlier this year about how distraught i was with my body and having had a surgery i didn't actually need/want. i've done a lot of thinking about this and would like to talk a bit about where i'm at now with things
i spent months beating myself up over this and pushing myself into a full crisis, because i was understandably mortified when i realized the full scope of what i did, what i can't get back, and what i'm going have to work very hard to get back. to say it fucked me up was an understatement. eventually i decided to stop dilating entirely around month 8 of recovery from vaginoplasty and didn't resume dilating until mid month 9
i spent so long thinking about how much i hated myself for letting this happen. i was disgusted looking at my body. i made a suicide plan and picked a definitive date if i didn't have stage 1 phalloplasty by that day. i felt like every day got harder to go on and my digest with my body grew and grew
but like in all of my worst moments, i was able to eventually ground myself and basically asked myself how did this happen and how do i move forward?
i think beyond the horrifying gender essentialist brainworms i had for myself, i also convinced myself no one would ever believe me that i was dysphoric and wanted surgery if i wasn't suffering every day. i spent so long being abused growing up and being told no one would ever like me or believe me. as much as i wanted to believe i got past it, i accepted that it still existed in me. it caused me to bury my head so deep in despair that i didn't realize i could like the body i had and it was perfectly fem the way it was. the worst part is, i was doing it again this year. i can still work towards surgery eventually, but i don't need to rush into it right now. i can take some time and enjoy my life now. i can take care of my vagina, want a dick more than anything, and neither of those things contradict each other. i don't need to perform agony to be believed. i wish i knew that sooner
thankfully a lot of deep reflection has helped with that. one day i'm going to get surgery and have a dick again, but not till i'm ready. this year isn't the only year i can do this. when the time is right, I will know. till then, i've resumed dilation and i'm going to be using my vagina and really want to for the first time very soon. i don't hate my past self like i once did. she had a rough go of it and made some understandable mistakes, but she doesn't deserve my anger. i think things are going to be okay. no more suicide notes, no more self imposed sadness 💜
im really glad you're starting the process of healing!!
thank you![transshork-happy transshork-happy](https://www.hexbear.net/pictrs/image/2ccdc832-ba1f-4c68-bedd-fe801a1fe14c.png)
So glad to hear your update 🧡🧡