tl;dr: have a friend who has historically always been mad when his friends got a gf/wife. He acts like he's 15 years old and saying "bros before hoes" still. He calls me and other friends a yuppie or breeder, and he thinks crosswalks are authoritarian so he has to always be a "rebel" and make it seem like he has the most unique viewpoint in the world. He doesn't change anything about himself, and he's stubbornly proud of having "no filter." This has caused every wife/gf of his friends to not like him. He will never be invited to any kind of social event because he will say stupid shit. Like, nobody has to be a rabid commie all the fucking time. Him and my gf got into a huge fight because he always talks like an asshole, and i live with my gf, so he doesnt come to my house at all because he'll say some shit. He still brings up this fight when im around him, and it's like get the fuck over it. I basically don't share anything about my life that involves my partner now, because he'll say something fucking stupid about her. He also begins a lot of sentences with "well" or "actually" which is never helpful. He literally can't admin when he is wrong, even about the simplest shit.

This really all seemed to get worse once I started my current long term relationship, and then it got way worse when my gf got sick of his shitty attitude and how he treats everyone like an asshole. He literally just can't be chill at all. No leftist(or similar) should be ranting constantly about every single injustice during every single social situation. That is exhausting to be around, and there is a time and place for it, but there has to be an ability to switch that shit off.

Finding and keeping relationships requires changing yourself just a bit, and making compromises, and it's now become apparent he isn't capable of that.

related question: have you ever dumped a long time friend? This is all a somewhat recent change, like the past 3-4 years, and it really seems to be because im in a relationship like most of our friend group, so now he's totally alone. Ive heard him say he's in therapy but i have to wonder if that's true, because it clearly isn't working. I'm annoyed by him but I pity him too because he can't fucking change for anybody at all.

  • TupamarosShakur [he/him]
    ·
    8 months ago

    I’ve pretty much dumped a long time friend during Covid, cause they went full on fash pretty much. It hasn’t been an explicit thing, the dumping, we just no longer talk and I don’t really consider him a friend anymore. A shame too, I mean he never had perfect politics, I mean tbh he was probably always a bit center right, but he was a good guy to hang around. But at one point people change and it’s just not fun to talk with them anymore.

    I have other friends who, I wouldn’t say I’ve “dumped,” we still talk occasionally and I see them now and again, but the relationship has undoubtably changed. They got big fancy office jobs whereas I worked a series of absolute shit, no money jobs interspersed with periods of unemployment. The divide was exacerbated when I was on the front lines of Covid and these guys were complaining about work from home. We just no longer see eye to eye and the relationship is hard. It’s sad since at one point a long time ago we were inseparable. But time keeps moving and we all change, you just need to accept that.

    • Cummunism [they/them, he/him]
      ·
      8 months ago

      with my friend we agree politically like 90%, but its diverged since he has gone 100% anti authoritarian whereas im saying what we want to happen to the wealthy is definitely authoritarianism. but that would require him admitting he was wrong in some way.

      • UlyssesT [he/him]
        ·
        8 months ago

        One of those "no veggies at supper, no bedtimes" no-theory pop-anarchists?

        • Cummunism [they/them, he/him]
          ·
          8 months ago

          pretty much. One time he was trying to get at me for not reading enough of Marx and shit, and then he admitted he hasn't actually read any of the full works. As far i can tell he mostly just reads fantasy novels. And im certain he hasn't really read any anarchist theory either, despite being so proud of his history degree. His viewpoint is almost entirely "anti-authoritarian" without any further analysis of why its absurd for a "revolutionary" to be a hardline anti-authoritarian. He thinks we can win the revolution and end up in utopia immediately. He doesnt even call himself an anrchist though, all i ever hear is anti-authoritarian, because he also thinks "real" communism/socialism hasn't ever existed so therefore it's not worth trying to achieve. He has no support for AES. He thinks China is killing all the Uighurs. He thinks the Ukraine war is good because Putin is bad.

          im pretty sure he doesnt want to claim to be an anarchist/socialist/communist because then that would make him part of a group of people that thinks similarly, and he constantly has to be the most unique snowflake in the room.

          • UlyssesT [he/him]
            ·
            8 months ago

            One of those "doesn't support any successful revolution" idealists, huh? lenin-rage

              • UlyssesT [he/him]
                ·
                8 months ago

                I had a one on one struggle session once with a former roommate where I gave a "lifeboat with limited supplies" scenario, not even one of the contrived ones, just a way of stress-testing his "don't tell me what to doooooooooooooooo" ideology. It went something like this:

                wall-talk "There are several other passengers on the lifeboat, including a toddler and a critically injured person who is immobilized. I will assume that you would at least agree that rationing is necessary to..."

                smuglord "You're putting words in my mouth. You (scoffing sound) CAN'T tell people what to do. And on that lifeboat, there's no one holding a gun to force anyone to do anything they don't want to do."

                wall-talk "So without a threat of violence, you wouldn't even consider the needs of the toddler or the injured person? You'd just let them..."

                smuglord "They (scoff sound, tongue click) aren't my responsibility. It's tragic, but... you can't tell me what to do."

                wall-talk "So you eat all you want and drink all you want and hoard supplies because you can, and at least two people on that lifeboat die that didn't have to, and maybe more if the other survivors decide they have had enough of you..."

                smuglord "That's a threat of violence. That's... (scoff sound) on them, not me."