tl;dr: have a friend who has historically always been mad when his friends got a gf/wife. He acts like he's 15 years old and saying "bros before hoes" still. He calls me and other friends a yuppie or breeder, and he thinks crosswalks are authoritarian so he has to always be a "rebel" and make it seem like he has the most unique viewpoint in the world. He doesn't change anything about himself, and he's stubbornly proud of having "no filter." This has caused every wife/gf of his friends to not like him. He will never be invited to any kind of social event because he will say stupid shit. Like, nobody has to be a rabid commie all the fucking time. Him and my gf got into a huge fight because he always talks like an asshole, and i live with my gf, so he doesnt come to my house at all because he'll say some shit. He still brings up this fight when im around him, and it's like get the fuck over it. I basically don't share anything about my life that involves my partner now, because he'll say something fucking stupid about her. He also begins a lot of sentences with "well" or "actually" which is never helpful. He literally can't admin when he is wrong, even about the simplest shit.

This really all seemed to get worse once I started my current long term relationship, and then it got way worse when my gf got sick of his shitty attitude and how he treats everyone like an asshole. He literally just can't be chill at all. No leftist(or similar) should be ranting constantly about every single injustice during every single social situation. That is exhausting to be around, and there is a time and place for it, but there has to be an ability to switch that shit off.

Finding and keeping relationships requires changing yourself just a bit, and making compromises, and it's now become apparent he isn't capable of that.

related question: have you ever dumped a long time friend? This is all a somewhat recent change, like the past 3-4 years, and it really seems to be because im in a relationship like most of our friend group, so now he's totally alone. Ive heard him say he's in therapy but i have to wonder if that's true, because it clearly isn't working. I'm annoyed by him but I pity him too because he can't fucking change for anybody at all.

  • UlyssesT [he/him]
    ·
    8 months ago

    I had a one on one struggle session once with a former roommate where I gave a "lifeboat with limited supplies" scenario, not even one of the contrived ones, just a way of stress-testing his "don't tell me what to doooooooooooooooo" ideology. It went something like this:

    wall-talk "There are several other passengers on the lifeboat, including a toddler and a critically injured person who is immobilized. I will assume that you would at least agree that rationing is necessary to..."

    smuglord "You're putting words in my mouth. You (scoffing sound) CAN'T tell people what to do. And on that lifeboat, there's no one holding a gun to force anyone to do anything they don't want to do."

    wall-talk "So without a threat of violence, you wouldn't even consider the needs of the toddler or the injured person? You'd just let them..."

    smuglord "They (scoff sound, tongue click) aren't my responsibility. It's tragic, but... you can't tell me what to do."

    wall-talk "So you eat all you want and drink all you want and hoard supplies because you can, and at least two people on that lifeboat die that didn't have to, and maybe more if the other survivors decide they have had enough of you..."

    smuglord "That's a threat of violence. That's... (scoff sound) on them, not me."