Everything I do. Every fucking second of my life. Is trying to feed the massive fucking black hole of RSD in me. Everything is begging for positive feedback. EVerything is people pleasing, but in ways that actually just put people off.
Noone loves me like I love them. Noone. Not one person. Im always the initiater. I send people memes, they dont send me shit. And oh ACTUALLY the WHOLE TIME I was actually ANNOYING THEM by sending them stuff.
It leads me into such awful, desperate, sometimes even fucking abusive behaviors. Manipulative. BEGGING for feedback. From everyone. All the fucking time. Taking advantage of nice patient people until I wear them out. I ping people too much. Sometimes I ping them again if they ignore the first one. I don't take ignoring a message for a no. I always am like "maybe they missed it or maybe they were too busy at the time and forgot" and sometimes that IS the case so it gets confusing.
People leave me constantly. Not always because of this but I've had like, five noteable peopel leave me in the last couple years. I have no irl friends left. Sometimes because of me neglecting those friendships and distance. But also my ONE really close irl friend left me because of a stupid misunderstanding. And I officially confirmed that Ive lost someone else today, this time over EXACTLY what i'm talking about.
I'm fucking exausted y'all. And I dont know what to do. There's no fucking medication for RSD. Coping mechanisms dont work. I cant fucking deal with this anymore. I'm fucking tired.
RSD has led me to near-total social withdrawal. Human interaction is usually painful for me. I always do something wrong or act too weird.
I'm glad someone else understands what I mean and how hard it is to cope with. My main concern right now though is how RSD-driven desperation can lead me to hurt others. Idk if youve been there.
No it's often just social obliviousness that does that. I once accidentally stalked a girl because I was too thick to understand what it meant when her roommates were screening her calls until one of them straight told me she wanted nothing to do with me. I was mortified and flooded with shame immediately.
Yeah I've talked about it before but within recent memory I've been an accidental sex pest. And theres even worse stuff with women a decade back.