I took my kid to Target the other day. As one of the last 3rd spaces available where capitalism showcases the latest and greatest, I figured I'd treat it as a learning experience for him. He really wanted a very specific skid-steer toy, so I told him he could pick out something else if we couldn't find one.
There is something very unsettling about vaguely understanding the state of the world and being a parent. First I drove him through the clothes section because he's around the age where I'd like him to start expressing his preferences on what he wants to wear. Up until now he's been told what to wear by all the gifts he gets for his birthday, and I didn't really understand that implication until just then.
And that led to the next basic conclusion - his toy preferences were also dictated by all the gifts he's received from friends, grandparents, or what he sees at school. We walked through what was clearly and distinctly the girl toys section. I'm still 
to shit so I felt awkward walking down the aisle but I put on a brave face and asked him if anything there interested him.
Nope he still wants the skid-steer. We pass by the car brain section and I notice more acutely now that there are 600 variants of the same plastic car with different paint colors. None of them interest him. We see the fascist puppies of paw patrol which thank god he doesn't care for either. In the construction toys section, a skid-steer catches my eye and I point it out to him. He shakes his head, no daddy that's a bulldozer. My toddler knows more about construction equipment than me. I'm proud and terrified in the same instant.
He zeroes in on an excavator. I remind him this will be the 4th variant of excavator that he owns and explain that we should donate some of his older excavators since we don't need all of them. I spend a few minutes in the aisle of target asking if he's sure that he wouldn't enjoy trying out a different toy or exploring his interests a bit, but he's set.
In the parking lot I show him how to return the cart to the cart return. I was reminded of the redditest discourse ever - cart return politics. People in those threads act like returning a cart is some mark of a morally superior person. Like it isn't the most basic bare minimum utterly insignificant expression of social responsibility. It still needs to be fucking taught to a person. Empathy is natural but it still needs to be nurtured or people will just assume whats in front of them is just how things are.
As I'm strapping my excited kid in to his car seat I keep thinking about that. He's holding his cheap plastic excavator that's maybe a third the size of him and he can't wait to get home, and what's in front of him is just how things are. I get in to the driver seat and I feel totally overwhelmed. I start tearing up. I immediately move the rear view mirror so he doesn't see his grown ass dad show a moment of weakness in a paved sea of personal chariots in front of the temple of capitalism. This way of life is built on so much suffering and it's so hollow and fake, and here I am teaching my child the prescribed ways of coping, escaping, avoiding it.
I love my kid, I've already made so many mistakes and I know I'll make more. It makes me really hopeful that he loves construction stuff so much. I feel so much shame for being a stupid lib for so much of my life, but also so much of his life. I also can't help but wonder if my parents felt the same way when I was a toddler, if this is just some repeating cycle that will continue until this decaying empire fails its last failure that finally breaks the whole system.
They could stop it all now if they wanted. They could end things from a position of relative strength. Agree that - haha ok things went a little too far there - let's end the whole exploitation and colonialism thing. Maybe start talking reparations and some prison sentences for the worst offenders. Nothing could possibly make up for all the pain and suffering done so far, but nothing will get better until it stops.
But they don't. My child will grow up immersed in this death cult machine and have to operate in its confines just like me. Me, his father, the guy he looks up to and expects to protect him. We talk about radicalizing people but I can think of nothing more radicalizing than realizing the world you are handing down to your own children is this.
Thanks for sharing. I always wanted to have kids, but I wasn't at a stable point in my life until well into my 30s, and my desire to bring another person into this society had waned by then. I often wonder what it would be like, and I bet it would be a lot like your post. I can see how raising children can be radicalizing; you have to leave them a world, and there is an urge to leave it in good condition (a much larger version of "returning your cart"). I spend a lot of time thinking about how the world will go on without me...
I had an elder unironically apologize to me and say it'll be my generations job to fix things - as if it's something society and our education system has been preparing us for. It was a little mask off for them and I did appreciate the sentiment even though it was meaningless. If I do have to say sorry to my kid some day, I want to at least be able to say I tried to do my limited, realistic part as an individual instead of embracing some hedonistic nihilism I see from boomers.
I'm babbling a bit but, part of the crushing presence I feel is my inability to cause any change in the world. Concrete lots and roads that are paved and designed by property owners. Giant store fronts with names that change as frequently as the stock within on a capitalists whims. Plant flowers in a park or paint art on a wall and its removed the next day. You need to buy your own property or have your own children to have even a promise of inflicting a material change and don't you dare do so without permission (my parents were begging us for grand children and now barely participate in his upbringing [thankfully]). All that to say that if you are thinking about what will happen after we're gone, its probably going to be a lot of the same but you still have an impact now. Your message matters to me so that's something.
I also understand your decision not to have a kid. I definitely don't regret having him. He's a happy kid and I'll try to raise him to be someone that can help others find happiness, too.
My dad said this to me. He went "it's the youngsters job to fix things, we older folks are done". Could have slapped his privileged ignorant ass then and there.
These people pillaged and burnt the Earth for their treats and comfort, while complaining all the time. Not a single generation has been as spoilt as the post ww2 boomers and the ones after that, or more brainwormed.
Now they look at their kids and grandkids scraping to survive and essentially go "sucks to be you, but not my problem". While literally holding on to the wealth they still inherited that no generation after them ever did.
These generations never parented much either. I am pretty sure they didn't feel bad when their kids got homeless or lost jobs or when the empire did genocides all over the world. I know my older relatives never did. They never lost sleep over the stuff parents these days do. Parents now are a lot better, but that it just my opinion.