Seriously, all of these things are massive. Just looking at them gives me carpal tunnel. Nobody needs phones this big. I certainly don't. In fact, I want a very small phone, relatively speaking. The size what we had before we apparently learned better, and there doesn't seem to be many convincing options.
Ideally, my perfect smartphone went extinct with 3.5" displays. I do like reaching the All of the screen without contorting my thumb like some kind of mathematical instrument. I know modern OSes try to work around this by letting you slide or squish stuff around but i don't care. This is a regression, a fix that never needed a problem!
Ironically, Apple's iPhone SE seems to be the closest modern technology I can muster to those halcyon days sans deformed digits at a comfortable 4.7", but those .2 imperial nonsenses do matter, slightly, and regardless I am not keen on Apple's ecosystem. My wife has one of these and I kind of love it anyway. Android at least ought to have some options...? Well, sort of. I have done some digging ahd found a few models that might be OK. I know small beggars can't exactly be big choosers but I am determined to find my glass slippers, damn it.
Cubot Mini/Pocket:
Oh shit. This is perfect! A 4" screen, be still my heart...! However, I am led to believe this entire line of phones won't work in burgerland because this country hates everyone and everything. What?! 
Unihertz Jelly Star:
Love the enthusiasm, but maybe this is a bit too far in the other direction... also, this thing is just kind of ugly. I do have a fondness for that y2k transparency; maybe if it were in a few other colors, but I just can't get into it.
Palm Smartphone:
I genuinely had no idea Palm was still making phones. This actually might be the queen of the crop; 3.3" and from what I can tell, it fits my use case quite well.
And...that's basically it. Everything else that exists won't function with US carriers, near as I can tell. Am I just being a smartphone boomer? I can't be the only one who wants flagship specs on sensible real estate... 
This M2 air laptop is the best device from them I have ever owned, but it hurts my wrists to use and the paint has already worn off a year in. The metal is cold to the touch, where it is supposed to be touched. It locks up if I touch the escape key while the screen is locked. The entire thing is an affront to human beings, except for its alleged "recyclability", which we all know is dubious.
All I want is a small lightweight device, with a warm-color, high resolution screen, and a nice comfy soft carbon fiber exterior, that doesn't guzzle electricity.