It's weird, in the moment, I get blindsided by an interaction and only after it's over to I realize I said or went along with things I didn't want to. I'm trying so hard not to talk to people and I want to change that. I'm avoiding people because I'm scared of interacting and getting it wrong.
I can protect myself, but that means against everyone. Like I can deflect with humor or defend myself and so I keep people at a distance. I'm pushing people away, I'm avoiding them that badly. Because the truth is, I don't assert myself at all. I'm afraid that asserting myself will hurt people.
But I know I'm hitting a wall and that's from me not being assertive.
How do you know when you're doing too much or too little assertiveness? Do you have an internal sense of that? The way I sense it is by looking at the person for signs of pain or discomfort when I talk. So I hold back when I know what I'm saying might be something they don't want to hear.
What helps you know when you're being appropriately assertive?
Thank you for writing so much that resonates with my experience and fears. I saw my issues stemming from being on the spectrum, but I didn't quite make the connection between masking and how deeply that behavior can reach.
Thank you for talking about your first time actually asking for something and the response you got. It sounds scary, but I want to try and see what happens. If people get upset because I'm not miserable, that's okay. I think I'll try small and see where I can go from there.
I believe in you! It's so hard to make changes sometimes, and navigate people. Take care of yourself as best you can.