I don’t know if this is helpful, but I hope a little at least.

Basically the way I was raised and how I learned to mask to fit in was so at odds with who I wanted to be, that I didn’t fit in with who I wanted to fit in with, and I stopped fitting in with who I used to fit in with when I tried to unlearn my masking behavior. I had so much trouble trying to fit in with new groups, I think because I would try and mask to fit in since I didn’t know how to “be myself.” I had never felt more out of place, so I retreated inward and started smoking a lot of weed and getting introspective. I still feel out of place regardless of the group I’m in or who I’m talking to, but I don’t feel out of place when I’m alone anymore and I think I can be content with that.