Almost every day I feel like I'm watching people I know living their lives at such a breakneck pace, and to such a fullness that I will never be able to achieve. I'm on everybody else's clock, and never my own, because you see everyone has "important jobs" and I get to "sit at home". So I need to work around everyone, but most of my energy is spent on keeping my body from dying and doing the most basic administrative tasks, and I'm shit even at that - I haven't opened a letter in years due to crippling anxiety. But even "friends" who "love me" and call me "family" have no real concept of what being in solidarity with disabled people looks like and no understanding of how fundamentally fucked up disabled people's lives can be on account of societal abandonment. I have no dignity as a human, I live in a forever prison of daily chores that exhaust me to the point of not being able to treat kindly the people who have supported me the most and it's shit. We hang out and I'm just fucking moody, everything sets me off, because I don't have it in me to be a fleshbag right now, much less interact with anyone. And then I get seen as a downer and people don't care to reach out and talk. Because if a friend isn't there to give you some good brain chemicals and fuck off, then what are they for Nobody knows the boundless kindness, passion and creativity in my heart because I'm too fucking tired after spending weeks going in and out of dissociative states between washing dishes and being too tired to move. Why keep going? For an exciting future of chores and exhaustion? Sometimes it barely makes sense and I feel my sanity slipping. chr*stians can't scare me with hell, because I've already tasted it - this world is hell for disabled people.