Hey DWEEBS, hold on to your butts because BIRD POSTING is BACK and ready to get IN YOUR FACE to the EXTREME! Sit the fuck down and try not to SHIT YOURSELF in excitement.

The crested auklet (Aethia cristatella) is described by Cornell Ornithology as:

Dumpy, dark alcid with pale eyes; very small, only slightly larger than a sparrow.

DUMPY?!? Ex-fucking-scuse me, this is who you're calling dumpy?!

Magestic, radiant, moisturized. Definitely not dumpy!

These fashion illiterate ornithologists go on to further state:

Breeding birds are dark gray-black overall, with a droopy forward-arching crest and a bright orange bill with an uptilted gape which gives them a maniacally grinning appearance.

I don't know what you mean.

Crested Auklets are sea birds that spend most their lives on the Alaskan and Japanese Pacific ocean, only coming into land at mating season.

They eat squid, planktonic crustaceans, comb jellies, and worms. Ninety percent of their diet is copepods and other planktonic crustaceans. They catch their prey by pursuit-diving. Resting on the ocean’s surface, they abruptly tilt forward, opening their wings parallel to their body with the feathers oriented backwards. Keeping their wings only partially open to reduce drag, they dive. Underwater they beat their wings, “flying” at speeds about equivalent to that of a human’s walking speed.

Gotta feed that dumpy

Crested Auklets are socially monogamous. They do not maintain their pair bonds at sea but meet at the nesting site each year to reform their bond. Mating usually takes place at sea near the nesting site. Nesting colonies range from 10-20 pairs to up to a thousand birds. These birds prefer secluded areas safe from predators for nesting and eggs are usually laid on bare rock in crevices on rocky cliffs.

Normally, one egg is laid each season. The eggs incubate for 34-41 days with both the male and female sharing responsibilities for the incubation and feeding of the hatchlings. Parents carry plankton to the chick in a pouch under their tongue. Parental duties end when the chicks fledge when about 35 days old. They fly directly to sea from the nesting colonies several meters (feet) offshore.

Crested Auklets are highly social, staying in large groups at sea, and nesting in large colonies. They fly close to the surface of the water with continuous whirling wing beats.

Silent at sea, these birds are the nosiest of the auklets when in the breeding colonies, vocalizing with groans, low hoots, grunts, and barking calls.

Well adapted to life at sea, their feathers are waterproof to keep out the cold water in which they dive to feed. Their stiff wings help them to “fly” underwater in search of prey. Their bones are very strong to withstand the underwater pressure. They are able to store oxygen in their body tissues and to use anaerobic respiration. Both of these adaptations enable them to make long dives.

Crested Auklets use scent to communicate socially. During the breeding season each of the male-female pair produces a strong tangerine scent in the nape of the ruff feathers of their neck. The scent is attractive to their mate and also signals their readiness to breed. Both partners perform a “ruff-sniff” display in which they press their bill and face into the ruff feathers of their breeding partner. This scent is strong enough to be detected by humans some distance from the breeding colonies.

SHNEEEEEF monogamy

Estimates of their lifespan vary from 7 to 25 years

The Most Stylish Bird in the North Pacific | Frozen Planet II | <- a cute little segment on them being goofy during mating season