Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And […]
One of the funniest things about this is that he can't just go start another company doing the same thing. Because he's a moron grifter, one of the cornerstones of his legal defense was that "Alex Jones" as depicted on InfoWars was a fictional character that he had created and been playing for years. He argued that since he was playing a character, he shouldn't be personally responsible for what he said on the show, as it had nothing to do with his own views--it would be like holding an actor liable for what they said in a film. His appearance, presentation style, and even name were all elements of this fictional character, and he trademarked them as such. InfoWars owns the trademark, which means The Onion now owns the concept of "Alex Jones, the blowhard conspiracy guy who presents weird right-wing conspiracy takes on current events loudly and aggressively." If he tries to go over to OAN or start a new site doing the same thing, The Onion can (and presumably will) sue him for IP infringement, and they'll likely win. Legendary levels of self-owning (well, not any more!).
One of the funniest things about this is that he can't just go start another company doing the same thing. Because he's a moron grifter, one of the cornerstones of his legal defense was that "Alex Jones" as depicted on InfoWars was a fictional character that he had created and been playing for years. He argued that since he was playing a character, he shouldn't be personally responsible for what he said on the show, as it had nothing to do with his own views--it would be like holding an actor liable for what they said in a film. His appearance, presentation style, and even name were all elements of this fictional character, and he trademarked them as such. InfoWars owns the trademark, which means The Onion now owns the concept of "Alex Jones, the blowhard conspiracy guy who presents weird right-wing conspiracy takes on current events loudly and aggressively." If he tries to go over to OAN or start a new site doing the same thing, The Onion can (and presumably will) sue him for IP infringement, and they'll likely win. Legendary levels of self-owning (well, not any more!).
They should hire some rando to play Alex Jones the character.
Put his likeness on all sorts of things he'd hate and then donate all the money to people and causes he'd hate.
Alex Jones clean-womb, that could genuinely do some good
Alex Jones branded vasectomy clinics
Alex Jones testosterone supplements (okay real product, but only for trans guys; must show surgical scars to purchase)
Alex Jones puberty blockers
Alex Jones frog gaying serum: all the frogs now, fewer frogs later
Alex Jones yoga mats
Oh my god since he's an IP, they could start doing deepfakes if him if he quits.
Alex Jones™️ Fluoride Mouthwash
Can't wait to see "
" offically appear in a 
soon
Counterpoint, they won’t win because hellworld.
I dunno, US Courts really like upholding intellectual property laws.
I mean… that’s a fair point. You’ve got me there.
New, far gayer Alex Jones as an ONN host when?