PaX [comrade/them, they/them]

Very tired nerd who doesn't know how to speak correctly

Ask me about floppa, Plan 9, or computer architecture or anything computers really (if you want)

:cat-vibing:

If I don't reply to you it's probably cuz I'm too tired, sorry :(

  • 146 Posts
  • 3.43K Comments
Joined 2 years ago
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Cake day: July 15th, 2022

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  • The datasheet also mentions it's self-clocking but I'm not sure what this means cuz don't you use an external clock to specify a cutoff frequency? Also figures 5 and 7 showing it in its self-clocked configuration also shows an external CMOS clock signal on pin CLKIN? Actually, the datasheet says there's a Schmitt trigger oscillator inside so I guess it has to do with the values of the capacitor and resistor across CLKIN to ground and across CLKIN to CLKR respectively and I'm just misreading the schematic showing an external clock signal, ugh I'm so bad at reading these, have little juice for electronics blob-no-thoughts





  • cat-trans

    Am tired but feeling a little better today

    Ty for sharing how your journey trying to overcome this stuff is going, is really relatable to me tbh

    For years I had been rly out of touch with my emotions to the point I didn't even realize the psychic toll self-hatred as a essential component of your being takes, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself lately (somewhere a little past your stage 4 maybe). Yesterday it kinda all came out during a therapy session, yet I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had to explain the internal experience of these feelings and just started crying. I haven't cried, like REALLY cried, haven't been to overcome some kind of mental block preventing it, probably since..... 2022. Was rly cathartic, even right before writing this I was just crying a bit about SorosFootSoldier's cat :(

    Am trying to just.... let myself feel things again maybe and try to stop repressing everything

    cw: dysphoria mentioned

    previous ones I would just talk to, completely masked

    Sameee. It's taken me 3 tries to find someone who actually challenges me, tries to understand me beyond a surface level. Cuz the previous ones..... idk why I would even see them cuz is like I uncontrollably switch into some kind of "functional patient-mask" and play the role of some simply depressed and emotionless normal man which honestly just hurts so much to do ugh. This time is like... the mask dropped for some minutes last session, never experienced that before in a medical setting (I actually just kinda fear doctors and medical professionals now from all the shit they have done to me tbh)

    Also I didn't consider it until recently (even though people have told me all my life lol) but I think I am maybe autistic, I'm not sure. All this stuff is intermingled with my weird social coping skills, like I'm constantly trying to manage myself to give off and receive the "vibes" people wanna see/send and if I can't the shame beats me into an emotional pulp until I can reconstitute somewhere quiet where I can be alone

    Btw, when you mentioned "parts", did you mean at all in the sense of a part in the internal family systems model? Ash talked with me a bit about it a month or 2 ago (I brought it up cuz my good therapist told me that it existed), I think said she heard about it from you, ended up starting to read this IFS book which I found rly interesting cuz I do kinda perceive all my various differently-typed impulses and thoughts as coming from like.... "two-wolves-1 wolves two-wolves-2" lol. I should go back to reading that book, was having some interesting moments trying to commune with the wolves (especially the one that likes to bite me for being myself) and figure out why they're inadvertently killing us lol

    Refraining from apologizing for the messiness of this post, am quite tired (ahh so it's coming out through like a layer of indirection, interesting :3 )



  • Been thinking about him on and off throughout the day since I saw your post earlier and I could not think of anything to say until now that could even begin to address it, am so sorry for what you must be going through :(

    It obviously brought you so much joy having Wolfie in your life and I know he felt the same about you. We may take care of animals and call them pets, but it just doesn't describe the literally outsized relationships we develop with them. Really, we are mutual life-companions and miss them so, so dearly when they're gone. I didn't know him except for the pictures and the little stories you would share with us but even I'm crying rn, he sounds like such a sweet and silly cat ;w;

    I'm glad that when his time was up, he got to leave our world in the company of his best friend ;w;

    meow-hug

    Hopefully he's with biggs now, I will remember them both ;w;








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    rinsa .i mi rinsa do ne'i la tcadu pazemoi

    .i do pu cuxna ja se cuxna segau le nu ce'u klama pa lei ma'a zabna tcadu bo cecmu .i mi sinma la tcadu pazemoi semu'i le nu ri se plicu'a mi fo le ka ce'u stuzi le mi jitro ku poi zvati le mradi'u ku poi se sabji le ma'a dunda .i mi jgira le du'u la'e le mi zdani lu'u du la tcadu pazemoi .iki'ubo xu ga ri ca ve klama zo'e fo do gi do ca stali .iseju mi rinsa do ne'i la tcadu pazemoi .i le vi stuzi cu nurmau


  • I hope you're right

    because I used to struggle with self-hatred & shame a lot in the past too and I'm still alive and I think I've made a lot of progress. Today I feel joy and proud of who I am, which are not things I could have felt years ago.

    Am really really glad, living with this stuff is not only agonizing and unhealthy but... in the end, completely unnecessary

    I refuse to believe it's joever for anyone, because I believed the same things back then.

    Same tbh, is weird how little kindness I show to myself. Like I see so many happy people who reject the shame and self-hatred brainworms and refuse to repress themselves anymore (at least when it's physically safe). Not even just trans people but also autistic people and LGBT people of all kinds and even just...... (this is probably more important to me than it should be) furries or therians. I'm more open than to anyone else than my friends who are part of all of the aforementioned groups in some combination yet I still live with this cop-wolf in my head that won't let me just...... be myself all the time without asking for forgiveness ;w;

    Feel a little better after crying, just feel rly exhausted now. I wanna write more cuz your response means a lot to me but I gotta go rest now, posting energy depleted

    cuddle




  • cw: dysphoria

    Seeing new therapist recently, he is quite cis, maybe slightly brainwormed but wtf............ he's actually quite good...... got me to come out and admit I'm just boymoding wtf (even saying that rn feels so fucking fake and wrong for some reason but then why did it feel so good to just say it ;w;). I couldn't tell him my non-deadname when he asked, maybe next time

    I have never cried or felt like I could be actually be vulnerable or perfectly honest before when I was seeing therapists :(

    Somehow it's normal for me, so normal I don't even notice it a lot of the time, that I have an immense amount of shame and guilt and self-hatred for just existing ;w;

    The only thing I hate more than myself is this sick, disgusting society for making me be so broken inside (I would also like to thank my dad for the part he played as well even if he's also broken inside, very well done, very nice, keep it up)

    Can people come back from this or is it joever for me? Genuinely asking cuz I can't imagine ever not being destroyed by self-hatred and shame and just living openly as whatever the fuck I am cuz idk where these feelings even came from

    DEATH TO AMERICA, UNLIMITED, INFINITELY VARIED DESTRUCTION ON THE BURGERREICH FOR CAUSING THE UNENDING SUFFERING OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE


  • waow-based

    Vile lemmitors who imagine themselves as somehow better than reddit-logo users despite acting exactly the same and having created literally exactly the same spaces but seemingly devoid (there must be a few right???) of the rare, few, real people who actually have souls not rotted away by years and years of narwhal bacon imperial core settler ideology and fake email factory tech jobs that can sometimes be found on reddit-logo cuz of its popularity and absorption of so many internet forums into itself (unlimited """"""""""""""""""""Eternal September"""""""""""""""""""" on reddit-logo qin-shi-huangdi-fireball)

    Show

    Genuinely pathetic behavior tbh. This person obviously considers themself to be some kind of ally or part of the working class but when one of the workers being whined about and shit on actually gives his perspective (sry for talking about you in the third person lol, it seems to makes all my verbs and tenses or whatever agree) and asks them to self-crit, they won't. Instead, they use the same language meant to support and uphold the rights of workers to put down and shut up a worker. I live with lots of contradictions in my beliefs and life like anyone else but I can't imagine living that one without my brain completely exploding

    A7thStone, if you somehow read this... why would you say that? The request for you to critique your beliefs may not have been put in the perfect reddit-logo polite, civil pearl-clutch, sanitized way but it shouldn't have to be. I hope I am somehow misunderstanding you

    I am refraining from posting more from that thread cuz of where we are lol. I would join in if I had a reddit.world-connected acct hehe

    You're so real for trying to make those libs think lol. I worked for Amazon for just a few months (I literally could not do it any more, my brain just shut down one day and I walked out, went home and cried for a while), not as a delivery driver, but I imagine it is similarly or even more........... DIFFICULT agony-wholesome. Idk how unaware, out of touch, and heartless you would have to be to willingly participate in that thread and say shit about how you should call cops about delivery drivers and how they park, truly wild and actually kinda makes me sad :( I've never been but would the real FuckCars subreddit even allow that?

    Have limited posting energy so is difficult for me to express when I read about peoples' lives on this site (I saw but didn't reply to UlyssesT leaving, coming back, and leaving again from lack of energy) but I think I read most of your posts about stuff, was happy to hear you got back on your feet in spite of all the stuff your ex-friend did and the grueling Amazon job meow-hug























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