(CW: chapters 4 and 5 contain explicit discussions of sexual assault)

Hello comrades, it's time for our third discussion thread for The Will to Change, covering Chapters 4 (Stopping Male Violence) and 5 (Male Sexual Being). Thanks to everyone who participated the last few weeks, I’m looking forward to hearing everyone’s thoughts again. And if you’re just joining the book club this week, welcome!

I'll be sharing my full thoughts later as there's quite a lot of unpack in these chapters.

In Ch.4 hooks delves into how patriarchal repression of men's emotional worlds most often manifests as violence and rage, especially against women and children, and how patriarchy conditions both young boys and young girls to perpetuate the cycle. Ch.5 explores how patriarchal attitudes extend to the bedroom and twist our popular conceptions of sexuality, sexual fulfillment, and physical and emotional satisfaction.

If you haven't read the book yet but would like to, its available free on the Internet Archive in text form, as well as an audiobook on Youtube with content warnings at the start of each chapter, courtesy of the Anarchist Audio Library, and as an audiobook on our very own TankieTube! (note: the YT version is missing the Preface but the Tankietube version has it)

As always let me know if you'd like to be added to the ping list!

Our next discussion will be on Chapters 6 (Work: What's Love Got To Do With It?) and 7 (Feminist Manhood), beginning on 12/18.

edit: the previous post didn't have the proper links to the pdf book and audiobooks, sorry for that

  • sewer_rat_420 [he/him, any]
    ·
    4 days ago

    I've written in past threads that there wasnt much "violence" from my father, outside of a "normal" level of spanking. He definitely could be emotionally abusive at times, mostly through subtle belittling.

    But what he did have in full force I believe is a need for absolute control, and the ability to lash out when he couldnt get it. Usually, he searched for control of the trivial, and this is where i see myself. Things like what brand of something we buy, where we shop, the thermostats setting, where stuff goes away - things that i dont even communicate openly but find myself irked when random stuff isnt how i wouldve liked it. If I can blame my mother-in-law, im especially angry (i harbor resentment toward her, and i am trying to see how my patriarchical thinking feeds it). And especially if my wife makes decision involving finances, i am resistive and dont trust her. I dont "lash out" except for just becoming irritable and being a general dick, which usually leads to a fight (bc my wife is not stupid and knows something is up).

    And i could totally keep saying that its because of my ADHD, its just how i am, and make those excuses. But i need to learn to cede control of things to my wife, she is half of our household and can make decisions without me, just as i make so many without her. I make mistakes and stupid decisions with our finances constantly, she has every right to also make financial decisions without my input or my fighting.

    Regarding the sex chapter...our sex life has not been so great lately. Probably to the level of needing couples counseling. I am only recently unravelling how fucked my view of sex has been, growing up in purity culture, with my dad being a sex addict, myself retreating to the dark corners of pornhub from an early age with great frequency, its just a mess of mostly shame and fear. And its hard to open up about. Ive wished i could just snap myself into a stud, initiating sex daily and making her orgasm three times, rather than just being a fat, out of shape loser that will leave her needing a vibrator anyways.

    Im sounding negative and i am venting, but this chapter did give me hope that we can return to a healthy, mutually pleasurable intimate life. I need to remember to just focus on the present and cultivate intimacy holistically, and i also need to work on being emotionally open and not afraid to discuss stuff like this with her. If i dont work at these things, i dont know how happy or long-lived our relationship can actually be.

    • dumples@midwest.social
      ·
      2 days ago

      If you want some more resources to help with your love life and having a healthy relationship with sex I have a few recommendations. Of course a couples counsel would be best and exercise always helps. (Not to make you lose weight or become a Chad but because moving our bodies makes up feel better and more connected to our physical selves). The point of these books and resources is to get you used to thinking about and talking about the sex that you (both of you) want and remove the shame. Shame cannot survive the light so you will need to get more open about what you want and see that it is "normal" and acceptable.

      First suggestions is Hot and Unbothered by Yana Tallon Hicks which does a great job to help you identify and communicate what kind of sex you want. It has interactive sections and a good "Yes, No, Maybe" list to get started with a partner. I would also recommend The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book both by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton. These are kink specific books but they do a great job at laying out what kind of feeling one might seek out from kink and gives great tools to communicate these desires. Even if you aren't kinky I think they are useful because the same tools can be used to ask for anything. After reading about how to negotiate a flogging scene it seems less daunting to ask your partner to do anything (including negotiating your own flogging scene).

      Finally I am a huge fan of Dan Savage who has a weekly column and podcast. He's been doing sex and relationships advice since the 90s so has a huge backlog and dedicated following. Its great to see his advice weekly and to see the breadth and depth of things that people are into. Hearing about what everyone else wants makes you feel less alone because everyone has something. He also gives good advice about how to communicate and what to ask for. He does have a very specific point of view that you might not always agree with but its helpful to hear. Good luck.

      P.S. A vibrator is just a tool. No one ever says a carpenter didn't build the house if he used a hammer. You are still building a organism if your partner / you are using a vibrator in the same way.