Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I'm already obsessed. I haven't had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it's just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
It doesn't have to be fancy as long as you have a practical use case. And it's worth mentioning that the "fancy" stuff is often easier on linux than on windows.