Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I'm already obsessed. I haven't had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it's just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
Wait until you need to back it up or move the drive or something. The difference is mind boggling.
I asked the community if there were tools. And they basically said "tools to direct copy the /home folder to an external drive?.." and I was like WTFitcantjustbethateasy
Nah. No "backup" or "timeline" or "restore point" or other BS. You just back it up, reinstall, and drag it back over (you can do this LIVE even).
One restart will fix out any kinks and you're basically good to go.