Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I'm already obsessed. I haven't had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it's just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
You're asking for help in entirely the wrong way, here I'll fix it for you:
"Linux is shit. I have an Asus Transformer T100TA and I thought I'd try MX Linux and fluxbox. I poked around for a few minutes and couldn't get any sort of battery display to work on it, when it's fully functional by default in windows. If this is the best that Linux can do in 2023, forget it, I'm sticking with windows."
There. That oughta do it!