Christianity is interesting to me, and my relationship with it is a bit complicated.

• Both of my parents were raised Catholic, but both left the church before they met and before I was born. So, both sides of my family have a history of practicing Catholicism in some form or another.
• So, I wasn't raised in any real religion. I don't remember really knowing what religion was until around middle school -- I started to make the connection between the stuff we were learning in social studies class with the things they referenced on The Simpsons. (Yes, some of my earliest memories of Christian imagery were from The Simpsons. It's a bit ironic that The Simpsons was so heavily criticized by Republicans in the early 1990s, seeing as how The Simpsons made more explicit references to Christianity than most network shows do).
• When I was 10-12, I went to a Bible camp -- not because my parents were religious, but because it was a local place where I could go to camp and do camp stuff. However, in addition to hiking and kayaking, we would also discuss mildly Christian things (nothing hateful or homophobic, just general "being a good person" stuff) and we'd get "points" for our cabin if we memorized Bible passages. I think I took it a lot more seriously than my parents, to the point where I secretly wondered whether I was going to hell because my family didn't go to church.
• Later, I remember some dinner where my dad casually mentioned that he was an atheist somewhere in the conversation. (I think he was getting an extra helping of some food, and saying "Well, I may be an atheist, but it's still a sin to waste food!") I remember interpreting this to mean that atheists are not evil, awful people -- they're normal people like my dad, and there's nothing wrong with being an atheist. Still, I never really explicitly had a deep conversation about religion with my parents.
• I also started to get more interested in science and philosophy around this time, and I started using forums on the internet in the mid-2000s, the peak of internet debate over the existence of God (the peak in quantity, at least, if not quality.) I didn't read Richard Dawkins books until the late 2000s, but I did quickly become familiar with the basic arguments for and against the existence of God, and I became solidly an atheist. I live in a pretty liberal part of the world, so I suspect that on some level I associated "atheism" with the correct, liberal views I was supposed to have, i.e. the people on my side believe in science, education, peace, women's rights, gay rights, that George W. Bush was an idiot, that Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report were how smart people got their news, etc.
• So, I did go through a bit of an "edgy atheist" phase. Reading The Fountainhead in high school probably didn't help. But I did try to genuinely keep an open mind to what other people had to say, and some of my best friends in high school were a Catholic and a Jehova's Witness. Partly because we were all such nerds, but I think also because, even if they didn't agree with me about whether or not God exists, they agreed with me that the question itself was worth discussing -- which arguably ties in with us being nerds.
• With the goal of being "open-minded", I also forced myself to read C.S. Lewis's "Mere Christianity". I ended up feeling like I understood Christianity better than I did before, and read some of his other apologetics books as well. I still kind of like C.S. Lewis, as long as I filter out some of the obviously reactionary, sexist and racist stuff. When he hinted towards describing God and having a relationship with God, it felt like he was referring to something deep and real, even if it was something I didn't believe in or have access to.
• My college and university years coincided with the transition from "all the cool people are atheists" to "all the cool people support social justice". My degree was in a very STEM-y field, so I didn't encounter much in the way of social justice in the courses I took, but in the clubs I joined, I did meet people who described themselves as Christians and who changed my perceptions of what Christians were like. The Christians I met were staunchly feminist, in favour of LGBTQ+ rights, and even pro-choice. (To the point where I wondered "But then, in what sense are you even a Christian, since those beliefs directly contradict a lot of stuff in the Bible?") By the time I graduated, I was still an atheist, but atheism wasn't my top priority the way it used to be, and having a friend who was Christian was less likely to mean "My friend is an ignorant bigot" and more likely to mean "My friend knows some cool trivia about 11th-century saints."

Since then, I've learned a bit more about history and about religion, and had a lot more experience with people. The national conversation has also changed, to the point where I don't feel as much of an animosity towards religion and religious people, because the most urgent conversations don't seem to fall along religious lines the way they used to. For example, it doesn't make much sense to say definitively whether the Bible is pro- or anti-capitalism, because capitalism didn't exist when the Bible was written. And when it comes to trans rights, BLM and other matters of social justice, the people I meet who are more likely to have bad opinions tend to be edgy atheists rather than bigoted Christians.

I've also learned a bit about the difference between "logos" and "mythos", and the degree to which we have to understand the world through narratives, and how that seems to be a big part of the value people get out of religion. And if the narratives that make up Christianity have survived this long, it seems likely that they probably contain something important about human nature -- I would really like to understand the Bible better than I do now, maybe even read the damn thing, even just for the purpose of understanding "Western" culture better than I do now. Heck, since both sides of my family were Catholic, it might even help me in understanding my family better. I also believe people's experiences when they say they have a relationship with God -- that is to say, I believe that they are, at the very least, describing a real subjective experience they are having. I've also seen Christians act out of an authentic, deep, powerful love for humanity, in a way that has informed my views on what it means to love humanity -- not just "hey everyone i <3 u #wholesome #positivity" but a profound love that provides clarity and motivates action.

(Okay, to be honest, the main examples I think of are Martin Luther King Jr. and Mr. Rogers, as well as a few friends and relatives who are Christians -- but I think that's not a bad place to start. Oh, and Jesus. He seems like a pretty important example too.)

And I wish I were able to be that kind of person. But it's difficult to try to be a better person on my own, and there's not really a secular community of people that pushes for people to live their lives in more meaningfully -- at least, no secular community I can think of that doesn't creep me out, e.g. self-help cults. And I wouldn't feel right joining a religious community, because any religion is going to include some beliefs I'm just not convinced of. Not that every Christian, for example, has to be a Biblical literalist, but I'm still not convinced that the universe was created by God, that God has a relationship with each of us, that Jesus died for our sins, or any of the other important supernatural beliefs that seem pretty central to Christianity. I've even tried going through the motions of prayer, but it feels pointless when I don't actually believe it's causing anything to happen.

"WhatAnOddUsername, why can't you just pick and choose the parts of Christianity you like and apply that to your life?" I think this ignores the community aspect of religion, and I also wonder if it does a bit of a disservice to the philosophical underpinnings of religious beliefs. A belief system isn't just an outfit you can accessorize however you want. A belief system is, well, a system, with parts that interact with each other and are often based in common principles. This seems particularly true with a belief system that's had thousands of years to evolve.

"WhatAnOddUsername, it sounds like you're having a personal existential crisis and that, in this emotional state, you're overly idealizing Christianity, like you think the grass is greener on the other side and that this 'one weird trick' will change your life. That is a really dangerous path to go down." You're right, and I'm glad you said that before I did anything I would regret. Having said all that, it does seem like, if I'm curious about Christianity, I think it wouldn't do much harm to learn more about Christianity -- historically, philosophically, socially, etc.

And on that note, I could start by asking a few questions to the people of this comm:

• When you think about the purpose to what you do and why you exist, how does Christianity factor into it?
• Have you had any experiences of tension between your religious beliefs and what you know to be true about the world? Did you reconcile them? How?

TL;DR: I finally understand what people mean when they say that people turn to religion for "answers". I find Christianity particularly interesting as a source of wisdom, but the problem is that I'm an atheist and I'm not sure what to do about that, other than to keep learning and ask you a few questions.

It's late at night where I am and I'm a bit tired, so I'll be back in the morning, when I'll be well-rested enough to be embarrassed about everything I've written here. Thank you for your time if you took the time to read my post.