it's been 31 long years on this earth and today i decided it's been long enough. i didn't know when i would do it, but writing the note is the first of several steps. it made it feel real. i understood finally that this is in fact how my story ends. i always saw that it could be different and there was a feeling of anticipation that things might change, but today i realized that of course i will feel better again soon, and then i will feel worse and the cycle will always continue. i felt so hopeless, and still do in a lot of ways. life has been really really hard these past several years and i'm just tired of the waves crashing over me. pleasure and pain in cycles with mostly pain.

i had a lucky weekend karmically i guess. my friend and i went out over the weekend and they mentioned to me that i got some karma that i badly deserved and they were right, i got really lucky the past few weeks after a lot of misfortune. not with things i thought were what i wanted, and so in the moment they seemed meaningless, but i really did get lucky. my cat escaped and i lost him and somebody found him very quickly. i lost my phone and somebody returned it. and we made some friends when we went out the other night and found some DMT which i've been looking for. i smoked all of the DMT last time I had it in a desperate search for meaning and i guess i didn't have the right method and it didn't really work and i blew through like a whole gram without blasting off which pissed me off. didn't know when i'd find it again but found it again so soon very luckily.

i thought today was kind of like who the hell cares im already planning to kill myself so i guess i should try to finally blast off and face my fears of it or whatever. i still dont know if i blasted off, severing the ties to reality is really fucking hard, especially because a whole point of my life is that i cannot let go. i was hoping the DMT would help me learn to let go, but apparently i still have practice to do there.

but, i don't really know what to say or how to describe it but somebody mentioned something that struck me about their DMT experience and thats that the world is just shapes and forms and it's our job to manipulate them into what we want to exist in. and i think that sums it up pretty well. again, not sure where the line of blasting off is but the area i entered visually was endlessly expansive with shifting colors and shapes and the shapes were like coils or some sort, like vines around me and i felt like i was in a forest. like energetically or something i was in a forest, beyond my physical realm. the darkness i feel is not just in my head, its in my energy space too, in the fabric of what im experiencing and i am realizing that i need to learn how to manipulate it. the difference between people who 'get life' and people like me who are lost and depressed seems astronomical. somehow i must figure out how to engage with life and get in the flow of life, so i can maintain some order in the shapes of my life. being a leftist i know there is a war over those shapes and i need to figure out how to find happiness if i even have a ghost of a chance of helping others be happy. i need to learn to master my emotions and learn to let go.

i don't know what i'm saying exactly, just trying to make sense of what i saw. i broke down crying, feeling like i was crying from my soul years of pent up anger and sadness. i screamed in agony and broke down crying. i almost felt like i was vomiting something from deep in my soul. i just felt it all rushing in me, all this shit i have spent my entire life trying to purge from my being. i got sick but i couldn't throw up. it was deep psychic pain is the only way i know to describe it. and my guts hurt, like they always do. i have spent years going to doctors for gut pain and finding nothing and now i realize how much of it is this anxiety and energy i hold in my gut, fear and a belief that i don't belong here and am not welcome. no wonder the doctors never find anything.

i realized what it would mean to exit this reality. not just blackness and endless void. but returning to the constantly shifting and moving energy of the universe, melting back into the fabric of space and time. and i don't want to leave. i don't know what's out there and i realize now we're all just metaphysical beings contained in physical bodies, limited by things outside of our control. our souls are immense and boundless. i don't want to die. i want to find where i belong. i think we all do. i just wanted to let someone know. i don't really know how to qualify this experience, but it seems profound. i guess i got lucky i had access to this. and i'm sure i'll feel hopeless and depressed again, i already do. but a glimpse into the unknown is a healthy dose of perspective. i guess i'm not trying to advocate drugs or suggest it will save anyone (i don't consider it as having saved me yet anyway) but it was a profound experience that changed me.

to all my comrades who legitimately want to die, i know that feeling and i support you in the fullest solidarity towards whatever goals improve your experience. the only way out of this space we find ourselves in on the timeline of history is through, together.

i'm not fucking leaving. not yet, anyway.