I have a lot of depressing (but mundane) circumstances that have lead to this point in my life, but what the fuck am I even supposed to do? I'm in my mid-20's and have in the most literal sense NO friends and I have spent so much time online from an early age I can barely even relate to normal people anymore.

I'm in an in between state right now and haven't worked the entire week so I've just been laying around and I keep thinking: this is fucking boring. I just scroll through the same couple of sites and listen to music all day until I feel the need to go exercise or lift weights for an hour or two. I should read, but only political stuff really holds my attention and it started giving me panic attacks after about a month or two of just reading leftist literature when I wasn't working or whatever. I used to play an instrument A LOT (like, 2-3 hours daily) but I grew discouraged for a variety of reasons and never touch it anymore.

Music in general just bores me now, and it never used to. I've been struggling a lot since the pandemic started and I've had deep issues with anhedonic depression as a teenager and child so this may just be that cropping up again in light of what this time is actually depressing conditions but man, life feels empty with no relationships. My family largely does the same things I do. My younger brother is a NEET who just stares at his phone from 1PM-4AM EVERY SINGLE DAY, my mom cooks her brain with YouTube new age videos and my older brother more or less is a true weirdo who is largely content chatting with his GF and playing flight sims after work, but he has his own life and is not interested in me.

Like, I just keep asking myself: What the fuck do I do? I feel an immense sense of ennui in addition to a very real dread of my bleak future, and I'm really sick of just sitting around all day doing mostly nothing. Lifting weights is cool and gives me purpose but that is only 1-3 hours a day and having multiple hobbies just to maintain sanity isn't even fucking fun.

I've always struggled immensely with people and I think a lot of my frustration and disatisfaction with life goes far deeper than just being extremely lonely, but I can't help but feel like I'm fucking up really badly. At my age getting any kind of relationships going seems literally impossible in light of how rotted my brain is from internet abuse and isolation, but this is becoming unbearable. I'm developing extreme death anxiety to the point where thinking about my life and eventual death makes me start hyperventilating uncontrollaby but sometimed I feel that familiar impulse gnawing at me: "What if I just left this Earth?"

I'm running out of ideas, and I genuinely can't think of any actionable plan to get out of this mess. There's nowwhere for me to go.

Even if I do escape this miserable state, I don't have the gift of sociopathy so I would just be worried about the rest of my equally broken and miserable family and my futile efforts to help them live healthier lives....