Edit: thanks to everyone who commented. It was very helpful, and you've all given me a lot to think about!
Hello Hexbears, I'd like your advice with something, and generally to vent.
I get really anxious about messaging. If people don't respond quick enough I start worrying that they don't really like me, or that they're talking with other people behind my back, and that they'll leave me and I'll never see them again. What I've done in the past is just spam people with messages apologising for offending them in some way, basically begging them to not leave. This then just pisses them off for real, and they genuinely stop talking to me.
This became most noticeable last year, when I started messaging a woman- I feel like this is important, because it's worst with women I'm interested in- and it got so bad that she ended up having to block me temporarily, to my shame. We are on alright terms now, but we don't talk regularly anymore. This happened at the same time as my final year of uni which was already super stressful, and the woman in question had pretty severe mental health problems of her own which complicated things (and just made me worry more).
I've spoken about this to a counsellor after the last woman and I stopped talking, and it seemed to help. The last 6 months have been the best that I can remember- I've been depressed since I was at secondary school, but that's another story- but I'm in trouble again.
Early this month, my dad was taken to hospital. He contracted Covid, and it gave him a neurological condition called ADEM-acute disseminating encephalomyelitis. His brain swelled up, and parts of it started bleeding; the prognosis now, after almost 4 weeks in intensive care, is mixed. He may be able to communicate and use his hands in a few months, but we don't know. It could turn out better, it could turn out worse. At the moment he only responds to pain stimuli.
Needless to say, my nerves are shot. Some days I'm okay, almost normal, and some days I feel awful. But I'm speaking to another woman at the moment, who I'm only friends with right now but I'm interested in, and I've started getting really anxious again. Just as bad as I've been before, if not worse. She didn't respond to one of my messages for a week, and I actually started losing sleep over it. I resisted the urge to spam her with more messages, and just about managed to function at work, and sure enough she responded today, and apologised for not getting back to me sooner. Just as I knew she would, because why wouldn't she? We're friends, and I've done nothing to piss her off.
I'm proud of myself for exercising restraint, and for using what coping mechanisms I've learnt to help me, but I'm scared it'll go south again and ruin everything. And besides, no relationship can ever be worth the awful anxiety I feel over simple things like this. It's not normal, and not healthy.
Do you guys have experiences like this? How do you handle it? I'm going to go to therapy again, hopefully sooner rather than later, but I just needed to say something out loud, even if it's done anonymously.