This is a throwaway because I legitimately feel like a huge pos for making this post. So let me start off with saying:
I know I am 100% in the wrong here and I want to change it. I am grateful for every help I can get. Feel free to rip into me but I really want to change the way I think but I don't know how.
I have had troubles with finding a partner for forever. Only thing I ever did with someone was making out with a girl at a party but nothing beyond that. I also never had a relationship and I am in my mid 20's. Up until a week that is. I got into a friends with benefits situation with one of my closest friends. She knew I was completely inexperienced and took my viriginity.
Ever since that happend it has been great. I am at her place as much as possible and we both really, really, really like each others company. I sincerely mean it when I say I enjoy every minute with her as long as it is with her.
And she feels very similar. I think she might like me even more than I do her and that means a lot. We have both acknowledged that we are drifting towards a relationship but she is a lot more outgoing about it than I am. Because I have some hang ups I need your advice on.
She had a lot of bad experiences in her life and bears a lot of scars from it (both physically and mentally). I don't want to get into it tooooo much but [CW:SA] an ex-boyfriend tried to choke her to death and one of her grandparents raped her multiple times (and her family blamed her for it etc.). She had A LOT of different relationships and flings over the years and while some were good or even great for a while, it turned all to shit for her eventually. I was around for the fallout(s) for the last years and I sincerely think it wasn't her fault, she just had very bad taste in guys apparently.
She repeatedly told me no other guy she was ever with treated her has nice as I do. Which makes me feel even worse for what I am to type.
I am really attracted to her personality and what's in her head but I do not have a lot of attraction for her body and I feel horrible because of that.
I am a bit of a gym rat. I work out 4 times a week, track pretty much every crum I ingest and I am pretty jacked. And while going to the gym started as a way to improve my chances at finding a partner in the past, it is now something that I really enjoy doing just for the sake of doing it. I want to stay fit, healthy and active for as long as possible in my life.
She isn't. In fact she is in very bad shape, with other words: very overweight. I know why that is the case. With what she went through again and again it makes absolute sense that she needed an outlet and couldn't be bothered with staying at a healthy weight. And she is ready to loose weight. She actively asked me if she can workout with me. And I highly appreciate it. I want to help her get more healthy and it's amazing she shows so much initiative. So I am positive that she can reach her fitness goals with me.
She is also a big fucking nerd just like me and has very similar taste in music and shows which is amazing as well.
But I am afraid of the future. I am afraid that if I start dating her now I end up regretting it later in life.
I am afraid I will regret never having had a "hot" girlfriend and that I will be judged by my pears and family for my choice of partner but on the other side I literally never met someone like her my entire life. I never had a relationship because I never met a girl that I got along with enough. The chemistry just wasn't there. But it is there with her and I want her in my life so bad.
There is also the issue paying the bills and getting children. I recently left my well paid corporate job for a significantly less paid job that I really, really, really love. The pay isn't horrible and if both of us had roughly the same pay we could pay the bills without many troubles but she has a minimum wage job and her chances of getting out are really slim. She has no A level and didn't go to college. It's not her fault. She is on the spectrum and has ADHD so school or university wasn't really her world. And she isn't dumb either the education system just wasn't able to accommodate for her. We would get around well enough for the time being but with everything going to shit in the west I don't know how long we can manage. I do have the chance to get better pay in the future but I am not sure if the same is true for her.
Which leads me to my last point. I always wanted to be a father but this is pretty much out the window if we get together. Due to a birth defect her ovaries are non functional. Which wouldn't be a problem for me since I am also more than open for adopting but she can't bring herself to ever adopt or see children since her crazy religious family drilled into her head that she is not a woman since she can't bear children. Having a child in her life would make her fell constantly lesser and she can't cope with that.
I obviously don't want her to feel that way. All I want her to feel is happiness and help her make up for all of the shit that happend in her life earlier + with the money situation being the way it is having a child isn't a good idea anyway.
So yeah TL:DR: I am in my mid twenties and are getting into my first relationship ever with a girl I have known for years and have strong feelings for but I am deathly afraid of making a mistake and regretting it later in life. My main hang ups being her weight, her minimum wage job and her inability to have children.
Was anyone here ever in a similar situation? What can I do? I don't want to loose her but I don't want to wake up one day and think "Damn I fucked up." either.
P.S. I don't blame her for any of the faults I mentioned. Her circumstances are the fault of capitalism and a fucked up child hood. There is nothing she could have done about it under this system and with her family.
Polysecure / Polywise, and other books exist.
The core of them are that there are multiple alternatives to the default diadic two person relationship. The alternative are easier to handle with awareness of attachment styles, that we can be nets of support, nurture and care for each other, but that we aren't able to fix other people and that when idea and reality clash reality wins.
Plenty of queer cuties are living in family and relationship networks that are not only of two people and if you want to be part of parenting a kid, that is possible. Even being a parent/dad/mother is possible, both via the sexual way or with medical support or due to a social setting.
There are plenty of ways to live. It is likely good to figure out what role you would like to have in your relationship and it likely isn't that of therapist (which likely wouldn't work in any case due to the double role). So outside support and transparent relationship styles might be good for you.
A week is very early and it is understandable to have thoughts when it is your first relationship. Keep talking with external support systems.
You don't have to shoulder your own stuff alone, neither have you to shoulder their stuff alone, neither do the both of yours have to shoulder stuff alone.
Anyone Interested in learning about the “perks” of polyamory should check out the second to last episode of ‘shoeless in South Dakota,’ before diving into a book.
You mean this one? It's nearly three hours. I do absolutely agree that it is dangerous to oversell poly, but both work with attachment styles if combined with materialism as well as reframing ones relationship ideas is good. Again plenty of people are living realities that aren't as they are sold to us, queer and non queer alike.
https://sites.libsyn.com/476973/the-boys-get-reeducated-shoeless-in-a-polycule
Yes, that one. Relationships are hard in general and especially under capitalism. Polyamory seems to have its up and downsides. It’s possible to be better than a monogamous relationship now, and vice versa. IMO socialism would make it way easier either way, but especially polyamory.