DISCLAIMER: This is my attempt at satire, I am sorry

COLUMBUS, OH—Steve White, an 18-year-old high school graduate in Ohio recently came out to his friends and close family just over a week ago as an 'Ally' we spoke to him a bit about what this means for him going forward and how those close to him have reacted. "I think they may not understand what it means to be an Ally," says Steve, "It seems to have fallen on deaf ears, though my pronouns are still he/him it has been a tough and turbulent time and I wish they would appreciate that more," Steve explained to us that as an Ally that means he openly supports members of the LGBTQIA+ community. "Ever since Steve 'came out' things have really changed, for the worse," said his sister who commented on the event, "he came downstairs the other day with black and white stripes and a rainbow 'A' painted on his cheeks and asked 'Sis, will you go to my first pride with me?'" When asked why Steve wanted his sister to accompany him to his first pride, he explained that Courtney is "actually a trans woman" assigned male at birth (or AMAB, as Steve insists is the correct terminology) so has been to many a pride and "Somewhat of a veteran" according to Steve. In an effort to clear up the potential misunderstanding Steve told us, "I really wanted Courtney to take me because I knew how much it would've meant to her for me to accompany her to her first pride, it's such a shame I was still a closeted Ally at the time but now she gets to have that experience at last! All's well ends well!" Steve's friend Pete was ecstatic to find out he had come out, he quickly asked what Steve had come out as and his mood immediately changed, "It's really a shame how some of us are still discriminated against more than others" said Steve in reference to his friend's lack of enthusiasm. Jessica, who Steve regards as his 'emotional-support-lesbian', told us a little bit more about the coming-out party, "It was the blandest fucking cake ever, it was a vanilla cake with stripes of black made with food coloring, the rainbow 'A' itself wasn't even part of the cake, it was just one of those letter candles." Steve has admitted that coming out hasn't just been all fun and games, Steve has also just recently graduated high school and is looking for a good college to attend this summer but the admissions office is giving him a hard time, "I applied to Yale to study law, I know it's quite a reach but I thought I might have a chance what with all these inclusivity quotas they have." The Yale admissions office has apparently stated that it does not believe that Steve—a white Ally male—truly satisfies the criteria they're looking for. "It's very disheartening that I'm already facing discrimination for my identity." Steve looks visibly distressed as he recounts all this to us with his parents by his side doing their best to console him. Whilst Steve took some time out of the room to ground himself we talked to his parents Tom and Margery who run a real estate investment company in Ohio, "We do everything we can to support our boy, it really does seem like there aren't many opportunities for an Ally like him to study at a high profile university." Steve's parents explained that they sought out this piece in order to spread awareness about Allies and the discrimination they face, "We're hoping that Yale students will see this and they will protest their university's admissions office for fairer assessments of potential students." At press time friends of Steve's family have confirmed that they've had to pay out of pocket for their son to go to Harvard instead.