Jesus: "You did WHAT in my name?!? Why would you torture gay ppl, wtf is wrong with you?!?! Why do you treat poor people so terrible, did you read my book at all?!"
"Oh my dad! Look at how much you've polluted Fathers planet, he is going to be so pissed. What do you mean prosperity gospel? That's not what that means!!! Me-Christ, you people are the devil!"
It literally says so in the scripture: "like a thief in the night; no one knows the time or the day".
Motherfucker, if you think doing something will bring on the rapture, you're already wrong because nobody knows when it's going to happen.