When purchasing a round of drinks, establishments generally aren't fond of digital payments and are usually short on change as most prices end in a 9.

What's really appreciated is if you bring a coin purse, and count out each total in change (denominations up to and including 50p - pound coins in extremis) on the bar so the staff don't have to provide you with change.

For additional kudos, do this on a Friday or Saturday night when the bar is four deep. The patrons will appreciate your effort and respect for the public house financial system, and often chant words of wisdom at you, rendering you a local hero.

First remember pubs do not exist. They are entirely fictional. They were created to confuse potential invaders during the 2nd World War.

Basically pubs are public toilets containing the most dangerous people in the UK. Improv actors. Designed to confuse the shit out of foreign agents.

The bar staff love it when you tell them to smile.

There's a sort of jokey tradition in UK pubs that when the bar is busy and you go up to order your drinks you should always shout "I was here first, you wanker!" at the barman / barmaid as they serve each person before you. It's just one of those funny traditions that kills every time.

this is sweet

If the bar is heaving, always order the Guinness last, preferably after they've had time to sort out all the other drinks first.

Pubs can be a daunting place to visit for the first time but there is plenty you can do to fit in.

You may have heard of barman or barmaid but whoever is working the bar must be referred to as peasant at all times. This avoids any gender counfusion. Also to make it easier for everyone to get on. Everyone drinking in the pub is referred to as knobhead instead of their real name. The is invaluable as learning names cuts into drinking time. If you need to refer to yourself, is common practice to call yourself the chosen one.

When ordering drinks, start with "oi peasant make me a.. ". the peasant finds it easier if you talk slowly and order each drink separately. Wait untill its in front if you before asking for the next one. Guinness must always be ordered last.

Smoking is banned in public places in Britain but its common knowledge that when the weather is bad you can smoke indoors. So if you can see clouds in the sky feel free to light up in the pub. Don't be selfish though, remember to blow smoke into the faces to passing knobheads to show you are happy to share.

The best way to make friends is to talk about football. Everyone loves Nottingham United so make sure to tell everyone you support them. Every knobhead is interested in how well teams are doing in the area but they never seem to have time to find out what's happening ouside of the local team. So if you are in Millwall dont forget to tell everyone how well west ham are doing. The same is true for birmingham/Aston villa, portsmouth/southampton, celtic/rangers.

Its a little known fact that a roofers wife did so much for the Welsh coal mining communities that she is revered to this day. So if you find yourself in Wales get the pubs attention and raise a toast to margret thatcher.

If you see a surly looking knobhead why not cheer them up by ordering a shot of blackcurrant cordial and dropping it in their Guinness. Don't forget to wink at them and say "drink up knobhead, the chosen one is here for you"

• Just order Flaming B-52s all night long. You can't go wrong.
• Order rounds, then point at someone at the far corner and say: "It's on my friend, Bob, over there."
• Remember: hangover treatments are covered by the NHS.

For your first time out, stick to Cheeky Vimtos.

I would recommend focusing on pink drinks, ideally with a tiny umbrella. The locals will be delighted if you buy a round of pink ones. The more deprived the area, the more a round of pink ones will brighten up their day, especially so if there are bikers around.

Never approach an empty section of the bar. Make sure to form an orderly queue that blocks the front door and the route to the toilets.