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Probably shouting into the void/choir here, but I've been feeling pretty suicidal the past few days.
I'm not going to hurt or off myself whatsoever, and I'll eventually "get over it", but it still sucks to feel this way.
I truly feel like I don't belong anywhere, and that I'm simultaneously a toxic POS and the smartest and greatest person on Earth.
Being on the autistic spectrum and also suffering from OCD, borderline personality disorder, impulse control disorder, and an extremely high sexual drive with a lot of guilt for having some traits of narcissistic personality disorder, is living Hell, and every single day is a goddamn marathon. I've had a former therapist tell me that I have more goddamn trauma than even fucking SOLDIERS. Me just being alive is something more difficult than anything 99 percent of the global population will ever experience.
I take it as a blessing and a curse.
Sometimes I can't wait until humanity achieves the end of aging and death itself, and extends human lifespan to practically indefinitely, where one day I can explore space and view black holes and nebulas with my own eyes in a glorious socialist future.
And other times, I wish I was dead by now, because I'm scum and don't deserve anything.
I classify myself as a heroic narcissist with a heart of silver, or something along those lines.
Edit: Wow, I guess someone really doesn't like me.
If I may share a personal, weird story: I used to be suicidal for years until I somehow managed to flip that mentality around. Now I see death as somewhat of a cheat. Like, I can always die. Why not hang on and see what will happen in the future? Maybe it gets better, maybe not and maybe it will get worse.
I also studied psychology so I know that the above is not the best advice I can give, but that perspective change was somewhat useful for understanding my own struggle.
I think that way sometimes, but to me it seems more of a rationalization than something that I inherently view, if that makes sense
Everyone feels like their burden is the heaviest. You have to realise that everyone is suffering and use your own pain to understand the pain of others.