Such a long title.
Basically I'm wondering if this happens IRL, and how. I've heard countless stories of people who hold a grudge against family members /ex partners/ ex friends/ neighbours etc. for years, and they do horrible things to each other. Or maybe just the cold shoulder can be rough especially for such a long time. But not so many stories of people in these situations who suddenly talk things out unexpectedly, out of their own will and not because they kept getting nagged about whatever happened.
I've also heard about people who screw up big once, never acknowledge or apologize, then everyone puts the episode behind and moves on. But I've never heard about suddenly this person perhaps decades afterwards just actually addressing their screw up and apologizing.
So, have you ever received one of these big, unexpected apologies? Or have you ever apologized for something you did you never thought you would want or dare to apologize for?
There was this girl in my school who was an immigrant and didn't speak the national language. It was, I believe, second grade. Our whole class, including me, constantly laughed at her, and it was clear she wasn't enjoying it. She was somewhat of an outsider, never participating in social events, never properly socializing. I left that school the next year, so I didn't get to see her anymore.
I met her again in high school, six years later. She spoke the national language, integrated properly, and had many friends. I even met her through a mutual friend. We spoke normally at first, simply acknowledging our shared past, but some guilt gnawed at me. It's not like I couldn't sleep thinking about how I treated her, but I couldn't just pretend I've always been nice to her. So, one day, I took her to the side... and apologized. She was flustered, she clearly didn't expect that, nor did she hold a grudge according to her, but I felt way better afterwards.
Edit: spelling
I ran into one of my school bullies a few years later on a walk, didn't even recognize the guy at first. He did apologize for back then and said he was a dick. Didn't really do anything for me to be honest, but I accepted it at least and went my way.
One apology I wish I had gotten but never did: I was the designated driver for a friend (and a friend of his), just hanging out, bit of drinking, but I'm not a big fan of bars. It got late and I just wanted to go home at that point, so we got into the car. I was going to drop them off where they wanted and now suddenly my friend (sitting next to me) wanted to pick up and annoy yet another friend of his (detour and I just wanted to drop them off at that point). I said no, I'm not picking up another friend at this point.
When I wanted to do a right turn the guy grabbed the steering wheel and tried to go left towards the other friend. Had to stop the car, luckily we weren't going fast and it was inside the town. I got pissed, dropped them off where originally agreed upon and drove home. Wasn't the first time either that he reached over to the steering wheel, but last time he just got annoyed at a dick on the road and used my horn (while I'd have just let it go).
Well, never got an apology, so I just stopped talking with the guy. Years later he wrote me again, we talked a bit and I brought up that I was still annoyed from him grabbing the wheel back then. He thought it's so long ago, why do I still make a big deal out of it? Super annoying.
Yay another point for repentant bullies! Thanks for sharing.
Sorry you didn't get an apology for the wheel grabbing. Sounds like a good riddance imo. Hope it doesn't stay annoying for too long.
Yes.
I met up with my ex for lunch decades back when she came to town on other business. She took me to lunch and apologized for taking me for granted and generally not being a very good girlfriend at the time.
Similarly, my brother called me up one day and took the time to apologize how how he'd acted the whole time we were growing up together and years afterwards.
I think it was more experience and better perspective for the first, and more maturity for the second, that triggered the self-reflection and apologies.
Thanks for sharing! Did these have much of an effect on you, or were you already over the events?
My relationship with my brother really improved after, now we're on good terms and can trust in mutual respect in our interactions.
With my ex, it really helped me reëvaluate my behavior as a partner; instead of just "what have I done wrong" I now also am mindful of what I have done right, and I was able to carry that forward into my next relationship, which I've been in for fourteen years now.
That's an unexpected silver lining with your ex, I didn't consider the positive feedback would be so useful, but you're right. Glad to know things got better for you!
I have a cousin that's the same age as I am and we were practically siblings growing up because we lived in the same apartment building and went to the same school. And I was really mean to her during our late teen years. The worst thing I did was stole her IRC chat logs with her bf and shared it with some of our friends. I apologized to her a few years later and we were on good terms since then.
Yes, I apologized to a girl for having sex with her 20 years ago and then ghosting her. Then we had sex again and I almost ghosted her again. We concluded that we have great sex but aren't ment to be together.
One of my school bullies one day unexpectedly apologized. I had long forgotten about it but we one day met randomly in the city and he suddenly started talking about how he was sorry how he treated me. He genuinely seems to have changed, i was surprised how much he changed for the better actually. But this also goes only for him, there were 2 others and they were much worse.
That's still good news, 33% less bullies sounds like a win. How did that feel though? Surprising yes but was it a happy moment or more of an awkward mix of feelings?
At the moment i was definitely more surprised and awkward but after some time i realized i was glad he did that, It brings some much needed closure. As i said, he wasn't always totally awful, he even defended me a few times when he recognized things went too far. Looking at his life afterwards, the way he got into theater, he seems to have made many changes for the better, don't know what prompted him.
What surprised me was also the way he spoke, his voice almost had a sort of constant tranquility, like he was at peace and wanted to atone for his behavior. But afaik he wasn't that much into religion to explain it.
But i was also always more angry at the other two, not him as much. I blame them for the social anxiety that plagued me my whole life.
That's interesting, yes it makes sense that something like that would take some time to process.
You don't need to be into religion to undergo some kind of change like that. I don't know this person but acting really puts you in contact emotions and memories, not to mention it surrounds you with a more artistically, open minded crowd which can really influence you, in this case for the better. But maybe the trigger was something else entirely...
Sorry about the anxiety, that's rough. I've also hated people for years, it's a burden. Hope things improve for you
Yep i agree. Partly because of that bullying i had changed schools back then. Then a few years later it so happened that this person joined a folks dance group that another person from my new school here was attending and so i went and saw him at that performance. Even then i noticed he was different, although we didn't talk. So it's possible he changed even during those years.
Thank you!
I actually want to apologize to someone, for not being honest when we were 17-19 (we’re both now 27-28).
I always lied whenever she asked me to just hang out. Said I could not or had something else.
Truth is, I never dared because of my dad. I didn’t want him to know that, I was hanging out with a girl. A lot happened in my youth and didn’t want to have another violence experience at home.
That and the fact I just feel awkward around people or on 1 on 1 meetings.
But I feel like it’s been way to long for that apology.
I once had someone explain they were interested in me years ago, and although it wasn't an apology (which would have been nice to get, he was an absolute dick at times), it helped me recalibrate how I thought about myself.
So I I don't know about your particular circumstances, it does sound like it's been too long to apologize for something that can be taken as shyness. But maybe explaining the whys can help this other person, I don't know.
I received an apology from a person who bullied me, at the end of our time at school. It was nice and all... if he could have come to this realisation during school then that would have been better.
Technically I did this with my first BF. I would’ve done it sooner but wasn’t able to communicate with him.
