So I'm not a particuarly sexual person, not asexual, but my views on sex just seem so different to the norm. I don't find sex jokes and things funny and don't really like to talk about or have sex, and I hardly ever think about it. (And quite frankly, I've never enjoyed it and don't ever really try to pursue it).
I went to a party yesterday and we played one of those Jackbox games, it was really crude and sexual and I just didn't "get" it. A question came up "What is your ideal sex location" and I just flat out have never thought of that before. Like, is this sort of thing something that people usually think about? Everyone else in the room seemed to have an instant go-to answer, but I just didn't know.
A mate of mine made fun of me, implying I was a virgin for not thinking about sex enough apparently. It was just really gross and juvenile and I can't stop thinking about it. Like, he treated my lack of "getting it" as a moral failing or something, something to be ashamed of.
It's been on my mind all day, just really upsetting and I don't really know why. I guess it's the implication that I'm less of a man or something for not spending all my time trying to get laid. We're in our late 20s/early 30s, so I was really surprised to hear this kind of immature teenage shit coming out of a close friend, it felt kind of like he was letting me know how he "really feels" with that one line, when he normally holds his tongue.
It just feels so gross, like the idea that I need to go out and have sex in order to be considered more of a person to him. I might be overthinking it, but it just...hurts in a way I can't really describe easily. Which is why I'm writing this nonsense, to share my thoughts, and hopefully hear some ideas from other people about this sort of thing. Am I being the weird one here? Should I just "toughen up" or something and try and get a partner or go looking for a one night stand or something? I've always thought of myself as straight and cis, but my attitudes towards sex just seem so different from the norm. I feel like a failure of a person right now, though hopefully that's just because I'm really exhausted and low on energy.
I see frog thumbnail and I like.
But yeah this just sounds like the unfortunate reactionary Andrew Tate-esque culture where people are gaslighted into thinking that you aren't a "real man" if you aren't constantly getting laid. It's a sad state of mind that I wouldn't pay much attention to.
I guess I just thought that as people in our early 30s, we'd be above that. I outgrew that sort of stuff as a teenager, and I guess I just assumed most guys were like that too.
Yeah it is kind of strange for people past their 20s to still be in that mentality.
The way you are feeling is natural considering how everyone execpt on you seems to be operating on the wrong assumption that (desperately) wanting to have sex is universal and not having sex is not a choice but an individual failure. All I can say is that your friends, maybe just in this case, are narrow minded and you shouldn't let it get to you.
Yeah, the rest of the night was great, it was just this one thing that really stuck out. I guess it is only "getting to me" because it made me question my sexuality a lot more.
I guess it feels kind of like...cheating? I don't know how to explain it. Like, I'm certainly not ace, but I really don't act like any of my allosexual mates either, but it feels kind of...manipulative to be "half and half" like this.
Imo, men who have to prove their "manliness" by being "the man" are extremely insecure. Who are they working so hard to convince, us or themselves?
As a cishet woman, I find it gross and extremely gauche, and I don't appreciate men who devalue themselves so much and expect me to devalue myself. Diseases are real, condoms break, and the value of things depends on rarity. Not artificial value, as in diamonds, but real value, as in a fine single malt or vintage wine, properly aged in an appropriate vessel, for long periods. Most men who have spread themselves so profusely also fancy themselves as stellar lovers when it couldn't be father from the truth. They are usually lazy, sloppy and selfish. Since these types are all that seem to be around me, I've simply been vocel, for two years. I'm not risking it and I'm not faking it. Unless I should feel the need to take up sex as work, I guess.
It was a very strange comment, I think in part because I thought this friend in particular was above that sort of thing, so to hear this teenage machismo stuff coming out of him was quite weird. I guess I don't do crude talk "with the boys" at all, so I guess I just assumed other guys don't seriously do that stuff, and it was more "jokes" in shitty comedy movies.
Though honestly, from the stuff I've heard from a lot of women, I can't blame you being volcel, cis guys get real gross.
I feel the exact same way, but never had sex myself. Our world really revolves around and plays up the importance of this. Maybe because we are so alienated by capitalism? This warrants some looking into.
It certainly could be, a lot of guys are taught that their "value" as a man is related to how much sex they get, so treating sex as a resource to "obtain" could certainly be a product of capitalism.
It’s totally normal to have little or no interest in sex! Many people feel this way, and it doesn’t make you any less valid or interesting. Personally, I find sex jokes funny because of how absurd the concept of sex seems to me. It’s important to embrace your unique perspective. I also often turn down sex because it feels like a chore.
Not having sex is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm in my late 20s and have only had one partner. Sometimes we go months, even years, without seeing each other, and that’s completely okay. Relationships, sexual or otherwise, look different for everyone. Don’t let societal expectations dictate how you should feel or act.
When people imply that you’re "less of a man" (or less of anything) for not focusing on sex, it says more about their insecurities and narrow worldview than about you. I’ve had this same conversation with my partner before: “I guess it’s the implication that I’m less of a man or something for not spending all my time trying to get laid” The reality is, everyone’s sex drive and perspective on sex are different. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to this stuff.
Never let anyone pressure you into doing something that doesn’t feel right. Your body and your boundaries are yours alone. Live your life in a way that feels authentic and fulfilling to you. Whether you’re chaste, sexually active, or somewhere in between, your choices are valid, and you’re enough just as you are.
I also often turn down sex because it feels like a chore.
Yes! This is exactly how it feels for me. More like an obligation than something I ever look forward too. I've had some trouble in the past because people sometimes act like a guy like me should be "grateful" that sex is even an option and that I'm an idiot for turning it down.
You're not a failure, you just have different preferences than your friends. And that's okay, everyone is different. You may even enjoy sex, but you could play a higher importance on other things, such as your life, your career, your studies, intellectual exchange
Now, yes, a lot of people are overtly and constantly sexual depending on the culture and social group. If you care a lot about those friends, and you care a lot about the environment you're in, like, if that's really your thing, then I'd say just play with it. Make jokes about it to relax the tension you feel in these moments, idk, experiment with it. In the environment and friends you're coexisting with, this is a part of their social bonding, so you should definitely be a part of it if you care about them... But you don't have to be gross like they are
It was mostly fine, most of the evening (including the other sex jokes) were fun, it was just this one part. Though as an Australian, our culture tends to be almost hyper-sexual at times, and it is really frustrating to deal with that all the time.
as an Australian, our culture tends to be almost hyper-sexual at times, and it is really frustrating to deal with that all the time.
As a Brazilian........ 😳
"What is your ideal sex location"
Coming from someone who does enjoy some crudeness, that's a very lame attempt at sex-based humour
It was more of a "spot the imposter" sort of game, where one person was given a different question to everyone else. The rest of the questions were fine, that one just stuck out to me because I've never even considered it before. It's a green eggs and ham thing, I doubt it would be all that different on a train, or in the rain.
This is what makes my blood boil, some manthings think that you're somehow less ''man'' or human just for being ''virgin'' or asexual, like those straights are so pathetic I swear. Nikola Tesla and Isaac Newton were asexual, did that do anything to make them less important? That's what I thought, so don't waste your time on that, I heard that shit a few times and didn't care a bit, just think about their way of thinking for a sec. What exactly does one accomplish by being a constantly horny idiot?
What exactly does one accomplish by being a constantly horny idiot?
It was very strange to see someone who I've known for most of my life think less of me because I am not that. I think this is an interesting perspective, it kind of reminds me of an addict trying to normalise and rationalise their own behaviour by shaming everyone around them into joining them.
I have plenty of sexual desire, but your mate's attitude about this is ridiculous. Sex and sexuality is something to be enjoyed consensually by people who want it. It's not something to be pushed on people, period. Don't get me wrong, sex education is a good thing and sensibly prepares people for the less romantic parts of it. As is people being able to exist as they are, without their sexual orientation being treated as a sexual act. Beyond that, the people who want sex are going to want it, they don't need encouragement. And the people who don't, or are less enthused, will not change their minds about it because of pressure to conform.
I see nothing wrong with a game like that if everyone involved enjoys it, but if one person doesn't, the right thing to do is to play something else and think nothing of it. The last thing anyone should be doing is shaming them about it.
To make a (somewhat silly) comparison, how weird would it be if you were playing a trivia game based around ducks and weren't doing well cause you aren't into ducks very much and then they were like "why wouldn't you be obsessively into ducks??? what a weirdo". And you're like "should I be going out and reading up on ducks? is there something wrong with me?"
Peer pressure is weird like that. I have successfully resisted learning very much about sports in spite of having multiple people in my life who are big into them. 🤣 You don't have to go along with them. Say yes to what you're okay with and no further, especially in matters of sexuality.
Side note: I wrote at first "Say yes to what you're comfortable with and no further" but sometimes it's good to go outside of your comfort zone, so that won't always apply. The important thing is, if you go outside of your comfort zone, it's for a good reason, not to placate somebody who is badgering you and being self-centered. Controlling people will use whatever they have available against you, which can include a thing like "don't you want to be adventurous and try new things?" But in a way that only gets you doing what they want, not what helps you feel empowered and confident.
The game was mostly fine, it was just this one question that stumped me and no one else in the room that made me really stick out and feel really self-conscious. Your silly analogy is really good though, it made me laugh.
As someone who is ace, I've experienced similar, although being female in my case it was a little different. As a teenage girl/young woman, I was put under so much pressure (from both men who fancied me, and other women) to have a boyfriend and a sex life. The general impression I got from all these people was that there are many desperate, thirsty men around who want a girlfriend/sex, and so no vagina should be allowed to go unused. I should not be selfishly hoarding up my body, but should find a male or males to share it with. There also seemed to be an element of other girls wanting me safely paired up with my own boyfriend so I wouldn't be at risk of stealing theirs. The amount of pressure I was put under was intense and lasted years. I'd never heard of asexuality at the time (90s/early 00s) so I thought there must be something wrong with me that I wasn't interested. So I ended up having unwanted sex, trying to cure myself. It didn't work and I wish I could take it back.
There was even an incident, when I was 16, when a female "friend" bought me drinks all night long until I was so drunk I was paralytic, and then when I was in no position to resist, told me she had arranged for me and a male friend to sleep over at her house tonight and she was going to make sure he and I lost our virginities to each other. I told her no, I don't want to sleep with him. She refused to take no for an answer, and he was eager to do this to me. Yes, they got me drunk and planned toremoved me. Luckily a real friend came along, found out what was happening and rescued me before it was too late. I've had various other incidents too. Basically some sexual people cannot stand other people being non-sexual and will bully, shame and even try to force us to engage.
It's good that people nowadays are more educated about different sexualities so they know there is nothing wrong with them. If you don't want a partner or sex, do not have them. Don't allow yourself to be pressured. And maybe find some better friends.
