I think today marks the most isolated I've felt in my whole life. I've got friends and I keep up talking with them day to day, I live with people, and I even socialize here. But it's like there's never the space to acknowledge how I'm feeling. I feel compelled to always be nice and helpful and listen to people and be entertaining and cheer folks up. And I like it! I'm pretty good at it and I manage to make interactions pleasant and only rarely get cross with people. But fuck. I'm frustrated and there's nothing I can really do about it.

I don't even know what I'd say if I were to allow someone to listen to me wail woe. I just want to bray at the sky and stamp my feet and have someone else there too, expressing the same feeling so we can say, "Yes! It's fucked! This fucking sucks and the horizon is without dawn!" Even now I recoil to say such a thing. How callous! How hopeless and unhelpful! Yet how can I proceed to live again in the world without first confirming with another soul the reality in which we suffer?

I am not an animal made for this. Is it the fundamental alienation of capitalism extruded further and further to its breaking point neoliberal endgame, so exacerbated by physical isolation for months on end? Is it the gravity of the terror of the future made unfaceable with all distractions stripped away by privation and by the thundering threat of violence? Is it simply the stress! Who can say without first acknowledging its unbearable condition in whole?