i only ever said i did after some person suggested that i probably do, and turns out i hate myself so much, an know myself so little that i just believed that it had to be true. it had to be my own fault that i felt miserable whenever i went on here. and now i dont think its true at all but its so far spiraled fucking NOBODY will believe me if i say that. turns out im just fucking autistic and the second someone suggested an explanation that involved blaming myself i jumped on it and now ive ruined fucking everything bc thats what everyone believes.

what actually happens is i make one sincere comment, i get dogpiled on, and i feel so desperate to defend myself that i get really overwhelmed and it fucking triggers the shit out of me. its not intentional, its not manipulation, and i know youre never gonna believe me ever but fuck it i needed to say it bc i cant keep blaming myself every time i have an anxiety attack after any sort of social interaction for my own sanity. i wish i was able to just not give a shit about myself but i keep on doing it