So for the past like 4 years I've been basically jobless and it hasn't been for lack of trying. I've applied to hundreds of places and have interviewed a ton of times, I kinda gave up job hunting a while back and have been leeching off my parents like a normal adult does.

Every time I try harder and harder, go above and beyond, do the 'extra credit' whether it's designing and printing donut packaging to accompany my resume, to doing free labor for employers to prove I'm hireable, in the end, I'm always not picked, the connection isn't made. This is true of pretty much every aspect of my life right now and I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Dating is the same. Meet someone and think it's going really well, then out of nowhere everything disintegrates with no explanation. Exact same situation as all the job interviews where I met the team and went to coffee and interviewed multiple times and did free labor and then got ghosted.

Is the world just flakey these days? Or am I wrong somehow? Am I just not trying hard enough? Every time I complain that job hunting is insanely impossible I get told to just keep trying and that eventually it will work. How long is eventually?

I'm more and more convinced the older I get (and I'm long out of my twenties, I'm not getting younger) that nothing fucking changes. I meet a partner who hits it off with me and then uses me for attention or whatever until they're bored and ditch me, I meet an employer who says I'm perfect for the job until they email me a boilerplate rejection letter, and on and on it goes. I feel like I could understand constant failure if I didn't wake up and roll out of bed and try, but I try fucking hard. I feel like I'm doing extra credit and getting less than normal credit for my efforts.

Talked to a therapist today and she was telling me to practice things that help me move away from the idea of wanting to die, but honestly having that conversation just brought it to forefront again and today I want to fucking die again. Back to this shit again.

What's the point of doing effort to make things happen when it all just gets spit back in your face in the end? Why should I pretend to wake up tomorrow and enjoy this existence when I'm tiny and small and insignificant. It's as if nobody can even see me, they just see right through me.

Fuck. I thought I would have had my life together by now and instead it's never been more of a shit show. I don't want to die alone and jobless. I am trying, I fucking promise I am trying as hard as I can. Are you not entertained, Universe?? What more do you ask from me??