I've struggled with similar issues regarding meaning and suffering. The other week I read "The Myth of Sisyphus" by Camus. It was a very helpful and liberating experience for me. It's on libgen, but I could find a link for you if you want. It's sort of entirely about what a person can do when they get to that point where they realize they want meaning and understanding, but that life doesn't offer it and cannot. Camus envisions two options: real or philosophical suicide or finding a way to remain in that space anyway. He spends most of the text exploring the second option. The first chapter is a little hard to get through, (lots of terminology and references to other philosophers,) but after that it's a pretty engaging read.

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