I'm trying to be better but I'm terrible some days and better others, my willpower day-to-day isn't at all consistent enough to help. I'm always depressed and tired, even when I take my meds and get good sleep.
I love to imagine myself as I would be if I had the willpower and energy to tackle each day. What it would be like to be able to make friends as an adult without having anyone from college, highschool, or childhood. What it would be like if I could go about my day with confidence in my own ability, knowing I can back it up. What it would be like to live in my skin without wanting to scream all the time even when I'm happy. What it would be like if I was enough for myself.
What it would be like if I was just good enough to be okay. I wish I could be okay
How about ya'll?
I know many people are like me in one way or another, and asking if there are is kind of pointless, but I just want to hear from people like me. I don't want to be alone.
But I also know that these things are literally mostly the fault of the banal dystopia wearing down our will to live every day. As well as that despite all this shit you still believe in us, in the potential of humanity, is an act of love so pure that one who feels it cannot be evil. I will not accept your self hatred, you are a good person, just one thats been worn to pieces trying to pull them back together.
The job sounds really stressful :( By the look of it at least you won't lose the job but I hope you're getting paid and compensated proportionally for all that hard work and tight deadlines.
The world likes to rush doesn't it. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I wished things would go at half speed for a bit so I can catch up. The lack of sleep is probably the most ubiquitous symptom of a human life under capitalism. I hope you can find a better job that respects your health more, or a compromise with medication. I don't like medicating all that much as it's often a result of atomizing individuals into having this or that disease or condition. But I'd love to see comrades overcoming the struggle with whatever material means they're able to access.
In a better world, if your personal desktop breaks you'd be able to take a break and figure it out. I hope you get your nice Gentoo installation back eventually.
Also, make backups of your /etc and dotfiles. I have just a single LVM encrypted drive and never touched RAID, everything important textwise is managed with git and hosted on 3 mirrors. My homelab just runs with separate ext4 drives and I make backups on one of them. I run backup scripts every Sunday because that's when I have time.