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The poop knife is irrelevant until and unless one plans to flush, which this question did not ask.

Also, why do you assume the nurse is a lady?

AI can draw fingers, Midjourney fixed that in their model over a year ago now.

So I'd say we have a real race on our hands!

The modules I like have:

• A DM map with a bunch of numbers on it, and text sections corresponding to the numbers detailing an encounter in a certain area. I personally skim these ahead of time, to know which parts to read out to the players when/if they get there. These should be traps (with exposition hints), puzzles, and combats.
• A hook, escalation with two options, and resolution, all encompassing a possible plot. TBH, this should be something that a DM can discard and replace with their own plot, if they have the inspiration and energy to do so. But if they don't, then your prewritten plot is there for their use. This is required reading either way, to know what's important (or what to replace).
• Some NPCs that have basic goals and motivations, for the DM to RP if the players find them (or need a push.} You don't want more than a paragraph or two for each, because all the extra details should be ad-libbed anyway. Motivation is key tho--why are they there, what do they want, and where their lines lie. Two one-liners from a Background table along with an alignment can usually cover most of that, TBH. Limit the required reading to 3-ish named NPCs per session, or less, with fewer introduced in subsequent areas of the module.

Is it bad that my first thought goes to "have you tried a federal database that keeps track of guns, gun owners, and gun ownership applicants?" And yet I know this new idiocy is far more likely to happen than the much more reasonable yet somehow illegal federal gun registry.

Make dndbeyond good/better, invest in 3rd party VTT integrations, and keep selling books through those channels. Keep partnering with 3rd party content creators to get a cut of their profits selling through dndbeyond.

I'd stop trying to disrupt the industry or chase massive profits, and just be okay with reasonable profits.

They'd oust me in a week.

A question to anyone who has the book: how adaptable are the narrator-focused sections to systems that are not A5e? As a 5e DM, am I getting cool stuff, or wasting my money?

If dropping a database scares you, you are either unaware of the disaster recovery process, or there isn't one. Edumacate yourself, or the org, as appropriate, so as to increase your confidence when dropping databases.

I read this to my wife.

Her response was "Stop."

"No honey, that would be the red light."