I highly recommend the book Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz. It’s helped me a lot, and boils down to the idea that we have “parts,” and that our thoughts and feelings can sometimes be diametrically opposite.
It, along with being able to speak with zero inhibitions to my therapist that makes me feel heard and my thoughts not seem batshit insane, has really brought up a lot of old memories and scared parts of myself. What I thought was anxiety, I’m learning to notice as a fear I’ve had for as long as I can remember, and that fear helped me survive a lot of my early years of trauma.
https://ifs-institute.com
I can guarantee that this book will give you a sense of the answer you’re asking for.
In the hope of the slightest chance that this might help, I’m trying to start doing the “leaves on a stream” exercise that my therapist (I’ve only seen him once so far but it was really nice to be able to vent without fear of consequences, i haven’t had hope like this in a long time) recommended.
Not much maybe, but I hope this might help a little.
Here’s a poem I wrote last night:
01:53
I miss the point,
a lot of the times,
Because I think about,
The consequences
Repercussions,
The echoes in my mind,
They’re not helpful,
They’re not relevant.
I can never reach,
That inner calm,
That lets voice surface,
Because it’s screaming to be heard.
I can’t make conclusions,
There’s too much doubt,
And though I see now,
Why
I don’t know how, To stop running,
It used be to away,
And now it’s sprinting forwards.
But there’s so much wrong,
So much to figure out.
Rushing hard doesn’t help,
When I don’t know the route.
I can’t avoid feelings,
But with them, I’m always lost.
I can’t seem to feel my feelings,
When they’re always pushing,
And I’m always reeling.
Try all I can,
Give all I’ve got,
That’s the way,
I brought me up.
02:10