Yeah, maybe I'm trying to have it both ways, I don't know. I can't imagine my life without my wife, but sometimes I feel like it's not really "mine" while we're together. I guess I want to feel like I'm being true to myself and not denying what I feel, and that's been hard for me for a while now.

Yeah, I hope I didn't imply that bisexuality and monogamy are mutually exclusive. I understand there not for a lot of people. But yeah, I guess I need to figure out what they mean for me.

Uhh, yikes... I feel terrible for your wife.

You and me both.

Sounds like you need to do some serious self reflection and figure out just how important it is for you to not "feel stuck".

I know. I've been in therapy for a while now, and have finally been confronting these feelings.

Yeah, I remember thinking when we got married that I wouldn't ever want anyone else. And I know she felt the same. So I have a lot of guilt over this that I haven't known what to do about either.

It sounds a little bit like you're looking for permission to cheat on your wife. I don't think you'll find that here.

Nah, I would've posted on Reddit if I wanted that kind of misogyny.

Hopefully there are healthier ways to explore your sexuality

This is definitely something I want to figure out.

Thanks for this. Those three questions really are the core issues I need to think about. And agreed on finding queer community as well. That's what I'm starting for the first time here!

how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you're attracted to women who aren't your wife?

I acknowledge the feelings, but often feel frustrated that I can't act on them. I unfortunately had very little sexual experience with other women before my wife.

bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men.

this is a bit of a tricky one for us...she's fine telling me when she thinks other guys are cute or hot, but only because she's never been strongly attracted to anyone else...whereas if I mention finding a guy cute, the next question would be "do you want to sleep with them?", and any answer other than "no, not at all" will end up hurting her.

Thanks for this, it means a lot. I also have felt like there's no talking her into any kind of ethical nonmonogamy. If she was open to it at all, she would have said so before, right? Revisiting the topic will only open old wounds.

That said, I still don't know what to do with the feelings I have. I've been attracted to others in the past, sometimes very strongly, and it will probably happen again. And not acting on those feelings at all (or not even expressing them) feels like I'm suppressing that part of myself. That's what I think I'm really struggling with.