throwawaypilot [none/use name]

I've for sure made errors before, but it's hard to say if ADHD was the cause of those errors. In the end everyone makes mistakes in their training, and I know lots of people that have fucked up far worse then I ever have.

And I understand it's somewhat irrational. Thank you and everyone who is telling me to keep on, I'll look in to speaking to a lawyer. I need to go through my medical records as well and see if I was ever officially diagnosed. You are all right I shouldn't give up so easily now.

He summed it up well. I really wanted to fly in China as well, but the Chinese medical regs are actually among the most strict in the world. I had it ruled out long ago. There are decades long career pilots who go from the West to China and fail their medical.

Its just not that easy for me. Also, if in the wild event of a crash, I could potentially go to jail for failure to disclose on my medical. And what if someone was killed? I don't want to live with that.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to an aviation lawyer about it all before giving up. This is the first time I've spoken to anyone about it, there isn't a single person out there in my life who knows I've been struggling with this. It's really hard for me to talk about. If I could be cleared on my medical then of course it would be worth it.

Yeah that's understandable. Maybe one day we won't have to worry as much, there has been more discussion surrounding mental health then ever before. I think everyone in the industry is aware of it. How do you get a bureaucratic monster like the FAA to change though? We'll see.

Yeah... I don't know. I've been wrestling with it for almost two years now. I kind of have a vision of a new way forward that doesn't involve flying, but of course it feels more like a compromise than something I actually want to do.

I just don't know how I live with that anxiety. I feel so ashamed of my adhd, of the fact I had to go to a fucking different school for it, of the fact I'd be living a lie if I tried flying again. I mean, you don't know imposter syndrome until you've stepped into my shoes.

It feels so much easier to just let it all go. I can still fly as a hobby, but obviously it's expensive, and just not the same.

The "what ifs" will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Ironically my fear of being grounded led to me grounding myself. But at least I get to keep my secret.

Edit

Also I hope you get the chance one day. Do you have a sport pilot's license? Something you could look into if you want to fly powered aircraft. I don't believe microlights require a medical.

Made a throwaway for this because it's a topic that's very important to me and I need to vent.

I'm one of those commercial pilot's license holders who's currently dealing with all the stress of a previous ADHD diagnosis. Well, I think previous. I took medication on and off in high school, but, in your typical adhd fashion, I don't remember if I was every actually diagnosed or not, lol. But half way through high school, my parents sent me to a private school for learning disabilities because I was being bullied every day in my current school, and barely scrapped by in a few of my classes.

I never knew ADHD was a disqualifying factor for an aviation medical until about half way through my private pilot's license. When you go for an aviation medical, the doctor doesn't have access to all your medical history or anything like that, they just ask you questions about it. And somehow in that first examination, either the topic of adhd either never came up - or, it did, and the doctor decided to issue my medical anyway. Maybe I had the foresight to lie - something that has landed pilots in prison before. I wish I remembered what happened during that first medical. I know for a fact my general doctor knows I hold a pilot's license, and he was the same doctor that prescribed me ADHD meds as a teenager.

Anyway, when I learned of this I was of course pretty freaked out, but being a 19 or 20 yo kid, I thought I could brush it under the carpet and keep going. It was too late, I had already been bitten by the bug. So how did training go for an unmedicated pilot with ADHD? It maybe took a little longer than most people, I took my time studying for exams, and sometimes I would be lazy when booking training flights. But eventually, I passed all my flight and written examinations first attempt, even scoring 100% on one. And I did so with the minimum hour requirements for all my licenses and ratinga. Sure I made mistakes, but I liked to think I was a pretty good pilot.

After getting my commercial ticket, though, I was having a harder time sweeping it all under the rug, at least in my mind. What if I was found out? What if an employer, or potential employer, found out where I went to school as a teen? What if I was involved in an incident, and investigators found out?

I couldn't live with it, and for the past couple of years I've been aimless, not sure what to do with myself after nearly achieving a life goal.

I don't know what the solution is. Yes, obviously a reporting environment that favors treatment over punishment. But I understand the dilemma the FAA has on it's hands, and the responsibility it would take on should it start allowing people to fly with prior mental health issues.

Me? I just wish I hadn't spent all high school staying up till 3am playing video games, and if not that, I wish I had never started flying in the first place. It's a dream I came so close to realizing, and I let go right at my closest approach. I really don't know how I move on.

Thanks for letting me rant here. Sorry for the text wall.