I am a human being who would rather not be addressed as Ms. or Mr., ma'am or sir. I prefer to use gender-neutral pronouns like sie and hir to describe myself. I am a person who faces almost insurmountable difficulty when instructed to check off an "F" or an "M" box on identification papers. (pg. 1)

Time passed and experience colored my perceptions of the world. As I grew more comfortable with myself I found a balance, a sense of peace. I am more than male and more than female. I am neither man nor woman, but the circle encompassing both. (pg. 75)

I think of myself as man and woman, both and neither these days. The world out there sometimes wonders out loud at me. There are a few practical details that sometimes present a challenge. But on the whole, I like being on the bridge. And even when I am having trouble with it that day, I know it’s where I belong. That’s good – knowing that. You can write the rules for yourself, and change them. You can walk in this world, harming no one. There really is room for everyone to be. People are sometimes afraid of me and I hope to calm their fear. The only way for sure to kill the fear that someone may walk through your walls is to knock your walls down. (pg. 77)

I've been thinking about the page one quote since first bringing up the idea for the group reading over a month ago and why it is that I feel such difficulty in choosing. I really don't fit squarely into either one and that's fine. Some days I feel like identifying as female just doesn't feel right, but I'm not at odds with medically transitioning - I'm insanely comfortable and confident in my skin actually.

I've turned out really fucking feminine and am at a point where even randos address me with female gendered language voluntarily but it still feels... weird. I thought I would've adjusted by now but I only feel like I've escaped the confines of one box that I fucking hated and hastily moved to the other without any consideration for anything else because that's all I knew at the time.

Lately that high of "wowee I pass and I'm lowkey a baddy - time to be your standard fem trans gal and raise some hell" has been rapidly fading as I grow more and more comfortable in my skin and I'm coming back and telling myself like, "now hold on, this feels cool and all but something still seems out of place". I can't think of better descriptions for how I feel overall than the last two passages, I just feel like neither or like a blend. I enjoy being "on the bridge", haha. The past couple months I've even found an obnoxious level of comfort in presenting in a more femininely androgynous way, if that makes sense.

This is as far as I've gotten with these thoughts. Don't know what to do with all of this information yet, but you can rest assured I'll use ChapoChat to diarypost about it when I figure it out. Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.