First off, I don't need any consoling. I think I'm fine. If anything, please critique me.
My dad and I were estranged for a decade, before that he barely interacted with me except to scold me for something. I was terrified that, as some people say, the loss of an estranged parent would bring feelings of regret for lack of closure. But really, it's hard to feel much for someone who paid the bills and babysat with disinterest. I need some positive memories to actually miss somebody.
The one thing this has done has been to wake me up a bit. With climate catastrophe barrelling towards us, I've used my computer as an escape and I've neglected relationships. My phone always has unread messages. Fuck, I don't want to be my dad, watching TV and mildly annoyed by the kids, rarely stopped to scream at the top of his lungs to tell the kids to "shut up". Kids in my gf's family want to play Roblox and Minecraft, ugh fine. At least have some good memories of me.
My dad's not a bad person, he just profoundly indifferent to everything outside of TV and the middle class white people he tried to tie his identity too. My dad worked a trade, and I wish to fuck that he could be proud of being a prole. Decades of (likely) lead poisoning probably didn't help. After retirement he got some real pro-landlord beliefs, although thankfully he never went full chud. Maybe if his son wasn't bookish, fucking suck terribly at sport, didn't leave the Church, go lefty, go vegan, get a small flat in the city, give up TV at 16, maybe he'd show a bit of interest. Probably if I bought a 4 bedroom house somewhere and had kids, shit, he'd start to ask me how my day was.
Talk to the people in your life, especially the young. FFS, don't be my dad.
I feel mild shades of this. My family are at least kinda interested, but no matter how much I explain they don't get it.
They don't get why I'm not a striver trying to make boatloads of money, why I bike rather than drive, why I'm not dating anyone (I'm closeted to them but I'm also actually not dating anyone lol), why I care about shit basically, why I believe in people, and why I value my friends on the same level or higher than family. I don't even get fully into politics with them, though I'm getting there. And the one of the bunch I'd say I'm most similar to in a lot of ways, and who I feel has the most grounded, material analysis of the world, is a big ol' class traitor.
I don't think you're wrong to have mixed or negative feelings towards someone who treated you that way your whole life and didn't relate to you at all.