I really wish programming tutorials for absolute beginners were exactly like that. Like please program my dumb ass to learn programming.

Ideally a tutorial would Just assume I know nothing at all. In fact, assume I'm some medieval serf from 1320, motherfucker. Assume I've never heard of a computer before, never mind used one. Assume I've lost two dozen children to the plague, scurvy, smallpox, and conscription into wars with neighboring fiefdoms. Assume I'm currently imprisoned in the oubliette for hiding grain under my floorboards. Assume I speak in such a thick accent from bumfuck nowhere that it is entirely unintelligible to both contemporary nobility and modern English speakers alike. Assume I'm illiterate. Assume I've never washed my penis before. Assume I've never wiped my ass.

I'm talking about a tutorial that involves a thorough description of each and every click of the mouse. Rigorously define every single word that has programming relevance. Leave no stone unturned, if you're even slightly vague about any step I guarantee you I will fuck it up! It'd be sick as hell if such a lesson plan existed for every common programming language