Hi,
It's my first time posting here, but I'm a longtime lurker from my now-abandoned lemmy.world account. So, here's goes...
I've been feeling kind of stuck in my life, and wanted to see if any comrades had experienced anything similar or know folks who have. My main difficulty is that I only realized and accepted that I'm bi after my wife was pregnant. This is a problem for me because my wife is strictly monogamous. When we last discussed things, she flat out said that she couldn't accept me being with anyone else, even if the relationship was strictly sexual.
And I'm torn here. On the one hand, I love my wife very deeply and absolutely don't want to lose her. We've been together more than ten years, and she's the most amazing person I've ever met. On the other hand, I have this nagging feeling that a big part of me is going unexplored and undeveloped, to the point I find myself inexplicably mad at my wife sometimes - I guess because I blame her for not "letting" me explore this other side of me.
And about feeling stuck, I know I need to tell her how important this is to me, and to ask again if there's any way at all we can deal with it together. But when we've discussed it previously, multiple times, I dealt with it poorly and hurt her very badly. I just don't know if she can take another round of the same damn thing, and I'm very reluctant to try and have it turn out badly yet again.
Again, I'd especially appreciate hearing from folks who've been through similar situations, or at least know people who have.
Writing as a bisexual who gradually become gay. This is an acute price of commitment. I am very sorry you have not had the opportunity to explore your sexuality, or the knowledge of your bisexuality before reaching this level of commitment. At the same time, this is a more extreme and justifiable version of the thought "well, I haven't been with X, Y, and Z sort of women yet and I wish I could explore."
As others have pointed out, repeatedly asking for nonmonogamy is just going to cause tension and insecurity and ultimately a lot of pain for all involved. The core questions now are 1) are you fulfilled by your relationship with your wife? 2) can you be satisfied with not exploring your bisexuality through sex with other men? and 3) what are some other avenues for exploring and finding greater sexual fulfillment which maintain the boundaries of your relationship with your wife?
From my limited perspective, it seems like questions 1 and 2 are the 'dealbreakers' and answering question 3 is the beginning of a positive solution. I strongly encourage you to reflect on this question, and also the positives of your relationship with your wife. It's important to not 'miss the donut for the hole' in the light of your recent awakening.
Congratulations on becoming queer! It's a wonderful thing, and you might find a lot of inspiration or direction in your current relationship by finding queer community and reading about the queer experience more broadly. You might find more comfort in your existing relationship by developing a queerer dynamic. Good luck!
Thanks for this. Those three questions really are the core issues I need to think about. And agreed on finding queer community as well. That's what I'm starting for the first time here!
Glad it was helpful!
It might be worthwhile to explore internalized queerphobia you hold. I started a journaling group here, but it did not take off too much.
https://hexbear.net/post/1769081
https://hexbear.net/post/1836962